Who's the coolest dog in the world?

You bet your tail it's me!

The perfect belly rub....

The perfect belly rub is comprised of three very important elements, two of which have nothing to do with the belly:

Part 1: The Belly

Obviously, any good belly rub requires attention paid to the belly – but it's the kind of attention that dictates its quality. There should be a mixture of rubbing and scratching, and it should be evenly spread out across my stomach. Also, it should not veer too much to either side, and instead take north/south paths.

Part 2: The Armpits

During any belly scratch, you'll notice my arms and legs stretch out as far as they possibly can. That's the unspoken sign to pay a visit to my underarms. I'll yelp if you scratch too hard, so please be gentle.

Part 3: The Armpull

I'm never more relaxed that I am after a belly rub, which is why it's the perfect time to stretch my muscles.

The keys to being an off leash dog

I don't mean to brag but, as of this month, I've spent more than half my life as an O.L.D. Actually, I kinda do mean to brag. Know why? 'Cause it wasn't easy to learn how to do it and it's even more difficult keeping the dream alive:

Road vs sidewalk: 95% of this is a no-brainer, but those alleyways can be tricky because they come out of nowhere and the sidewalk doesn't dip. There are other visual cues, though – look for little piles of trash and women with lots of makeup who walk a bit funny.

Mmmm...: There's a lot of great food around, but getting a taste without getting in trouble is key. I developed a variation on the bait and switch, whereby I'll poo about 20 feet from something yummy, and then while Dan's picking it up, go grab a bite. The best time to pull this one out is around dusk.

Doddlers: Once you become a bit more savvy, you'll start walking free on main streets – and that's generally where you'll run into doddlers: these are people who walk super slow for no reason. Even though they deserve to be bitten in the ass, you MUST resist the urge.

Squirrels: They know you're not going to run into the street. That's their trump card and they'll always play it. Bastards. Save yourself the frustration and leave them alone.

I know there are more, but I can't think of them right now. I'll be sure to think about more on tomorrow's walk.

On an unrelated note, I know I've been rather absent lately. It was a crazy busy October. I'll tell y'all about it later in the week.