My life as a Yurkenbaum

Life as a blonde

2012-02-13T19:22:00.000-08:00

Tiia's friend Cathy came by not too long ago and let me try her fairer locks on for a moment. I gotta say, I had more fun...but I'm sure that had more to do with the company. Cathy's got some seriously positive energy going on – she actually makes the room brighter. I wonder if that's how her hair got that way. Can people do that? It'd be cool if they could. Heck, it'd be cool if I could do that. I wonder what colour I'd want my hair to be. I like the Porty White, but it's hard to keep clean. Doodle Brown is okay, but a bit common. Maybe a deep grey? Like a Hawaiian sky before a storm. See what I did there?

It speaks for itself.

2012-02-08T17:51:00.000-08:00

Dan and I stumbled across this the other day in Chatsworth Ravine.

We interrupt this program for a special announcement...

2012-02-07T21:10:00.000-08:00

This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. Should there ever be a worldwide shortage of cheese, you'll see me in front of you just like this. That'll be your sign to go to the fridge and get me whatever you've got left. And remember to be thorough – it's an emergency after all.

Ask The Maui Monster

2012-02-06T06:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Maui Monster...

Like you, I watch the Superbowl with my family every year. I can usually count on enjoying bits and pieces of the feast what with all the dropped food, but I got completely shut out this year. I think I need a new game plan for XLVII. Any thoughts?

- Giant Letdown

Dear GL...

Tough loss, for sure – there's nothing quite like a Superbowl smorgasbord. Here are three schemes I employ during the big game. I normally run them concurrently, but you can focus on one at a time if you want.

1. Read the room.

Take stock of who's around you a few minutes before the game. You should be able to identify who's cheering for which team by their conversations or, if you're lucky, by their clothes. What you want to do is hang around the people supporting the team that's ahead in the score, as they're more likely to be standing, cheering and talking smack; hence, more likely to drop stuff. Be careful not to get fooled by people wearing a jersey of a team not playing in the game; there's one of those at every party – at least, every one I'm at.

2. Spot the mismatches

When the food starts coming out, you'll see who the experienced buffet-style eaters are, and who's prone to spills and drops. You'll want to get a good view of the room, so best to take a step back and survey it all.

3. Look for weaknesses

There's always someone who wants to give you their food. Find them and exploit the hell out of them. I got Lasagna with remnants of smoked salmon, chicken wings and some sort of yummy dill sauce. A super bowl indeed.

A three hour tour

2012-02-03T11:41:00.001-08:00

Now that's more like it!

My lord, it'd been a long time since we went for a walk like that – about four and half years by my count. It used to mean we were hosting a party later that night and the peeps wanted to tucker me out. Now that we're finally in our house, perhaps it'll mean that again? I've heard rumblings.

Anyway, Dan and I explored the new 'hood, and I gotta say I'm pleasantly surprised. I'd met NoBlo (north of Bloor for the out-of-towners) dogs before, and they all raved about the parks. At the time, I payed little attention because my home field was Trinity Bellwoods, and in my mind there was no real competition. In retrospect, the evaluation was premature.

The peeps lost two frisbees in six days. I think that's a record.

This is my new red one. The over-under is nine weeks.

Junior the Newf, one of the two dogs we met in Forest Hill Memorial Arena Park. He's 175 pounds and moves like it. He had no real chance of taking the disc from me, but it was fun watching him try.

Harvey the Dane, the second of the two.

After some spirited cardio, it was time for a little lifting.

An especially tearful goodbye

2011-11-18T11:32:00.000-08:00

Mr. Scamper was the first four-legged fan of the Dogblog. He originally got in touch on September 30th, 2009 with stories of his Grammy and Grampy's mashed potatoes and beef gravy. I was 95% touched and 5% jealous.*

Amazingly enough, Mr. Scamper and I never met face-to-face. But we will one day – and when we do, I'm gonna ask him all about his squirrel-chasing methods. I've tried everything and come up empty for five years. It's enough to drive you nuts.

* number varies depending on what Helsi or Gramma Christine make.

I think someone spiked the cheese fondu

2011-10-31T17:39:00.000-07:00

Ahem...

2011-10-28T11:45:00.000-07:00

In some cultures, it's customary for the birthday boy to get everyone in his family gifts as tokens of appreciation for putting up with him for a whole year.

I'll take 100 grams of Swiss. I'm feeling rather yodelish.

Ask the Maui Monster

2011-10-24T11:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Maui Monster...

My people are moving us to the suburbs. I heard you've been living there for the last little while. Is it true that we have to be on leash, even in the park?

~ Greener Grass?

Dear Greener Grass?

If the leashing thing isn't a law, it certainly appears to be a very strong movement. And I'm not sure why; there's a ton of space, hardly any cars and no food on the side of the road like in the city. There's sometimes bread in the school yard, but the crusts have all been removed.

Why I'm not a showdog.

2011-10-23T11:21:00.000-07:00

How it should be:

How it is:

This is the Barbet in my neighbourhood

2011-10-19T18:49:00.001-07:00

Gambit: Hey...you're Maui, right?

Me: Yeah, how'd you know?

Gambit: I grew up with Bonnie. Recognized you from the Dogblog. What happened to that thing, anyway?

Me: Well, it's kind of a long story.

Gambit: Like...the kind you'd document in a blog?

Me: Touché.

I would've taken a picture, but I can't find the camera.

2011-07-19T10:03:00.001-07:00

Me: Hey Kai...what's with the mess?

Kai: Didn't they tell you? We're moving.

Me: No, no. We're just going to the cottage. This happens every year.

Kai: Nah, man...we're moving out of the apartment. For good.

Me: Can't be.

Kai: 'Fraid it is.

Me: But...the Northwest Nook?
Kai: Someone else's sunset.

Me: And hallway sports?

Kai: Someone else's arena.

Me: (Gasp!) And the bed?

Kai: Nope, that's coming with us.

Me: Okay. I was worried there for a minute. What do you know about the new place?

Kai: I heard something about croquet in the backyard.

Me: Sounds promising.

Kai: For you, maybe.

Diana the bilingual dog

2011-06-26T13:13:00.000-07:00

Diana is Aunty Lia's dog. Grampa Tony loved when she responded to Estonian commands. I tried doing the same a few times, but only knowing the dirty words never came in handy (well...almost never, but that's a story for another time).

Diana died this weekend, and it got me thinking of the time she and I went tobogganing together on New Years Day. I remember her being so excited to ride down the hill in Uncle Peter's lap, and being so jealous that she never had snowballs on her feet when she got back to the top. Mostly, I remember how she smiled whenever she saw Aunty Lia.

Head aega, Diana. And when you see Grampa Tony, tell him I said tere. He'll get a kick out of that.

Three!

2011-06-09T18:52:00.000-07:00

That's Lea up there (the one without the hat). We took that pic a few years ago in the park. She turned three this past week. Happy birthday, kiddo.

I hear Lea's a big fan of mine – word in the stroller circle is that her first words were "Maui Monster". Well, I'm a bigger fan of hers. My third favourite thing about her is how gently and kindly she pulls my ears. My second favourite is how much food she drops when she comes over to eat. My first, of course, is that smile; which I get to enjoy face to face. At least for a little while longer.

Dan thinks I'm sleeping.

2011-06-05T14:44:00.000-07:00

I'm not. What I'm actually doing is admiring yet another nasty fart. It'll get to Dan in about 20 seconds and he'll pretend to be grossed out. In reality, he'll be carefully evaluating it against past farts of mine.

This one's got a chance to take the lead, too. Actually, there've been a lot of contenders lately. I think it's because the peeps changed my food. I was disappointed at first to say goodbye to the wet-dry mix, but I've gotten used to the new kibble and it's actually pretty good. Besides, the bag said it was filled with nutritional benefits, and now that its...oh, Dan just got it.

Looks like a winner to me.

It's like someone was reading my mind...

2011-06-01T07:20:00.000-07:00

Ask the Maui Monster

2011-05-24T12:38:00.000-07:00

Hey Maui,

I came across this picture, and wondered if there is any relation between you and the Guinness Book of World Record holder for the hairiest man?

Thanks,

Auntie Mel

Dear Auntie Mel...

I used to think so. Then this happened...

They took my dreads. They took my ears. They even took my beard. What's a Barbet without a barbe? It's a dog with severe identity issues.

There are a few silver linings to this dark, dark cloud, though: I'm much cooler (maybe not aesthetically, but definitely thermally), and my blingy collar is much more pronounced. If past growth is any indication of future growth, I should be back to normal in no time.

A happy birthday indeed

2011-04-27T19:57:00.000-07:00

Another April 27th has come and (almost) gone; and really, it was just another day. I woke up "on the floor" in Gramma Helsi's room, went behind the counter at the post office, tight-rope walked a curb and tried Italian prosciutto for the first time.

Yup...just another day.

Common courtesy

2011-04-21T12:12:00.000-07:00

I like to give the peeps a few months to enjoy their new things before I annex them. Take this blanket; Dan bought it for Tiia last Christmas. Since then, I've given them 118 straight days of first dibs on it whenever we'd retire to the couch. I think that's enough time.

Mauiyahu

2011-04-20T12:29:00.000-07:00

I'm a much better seder guest than Eliyahu. I don't need my own glass of wine or a song in my honour or anything like that. Just a few bites your dinner and maybe a bum rub.

Life as an office dog

2011-04-14T10:47:00.000-07:00

When Dan told me he was getting an office, I was less than impressed. We had a good routine at home. I had the couch, the bed and the cheese in the fridge. He got to wear his comfy clothes all day. Win/Win.

It was a tough adjustment at first, but I'm getting used to it. On the plus side, I get the afternoon sun, surround sound and Otis the Jack Russell whose mailman-directed Napoleon complex entertains me to no end. On the minus side, the rug's no king bed, but once I fall asleep, it doesn't matter much*.

*Only applicable at work.

Before and After

2011-02-28T22:19:00.000-08:00

The coin came up tails.

2011-02-10T12:00:00.000-08:00

Grampa Tony: Uh...Maui?

Me: Yes, Grampa?

Grampa Tony: I wanna talk to you about the fifty bucks you won at Superbowl.

Me: Yeah, it was great! I'm thinking about splurging for a taste of Swedish Moose Cheese.

Grampa Tony: Do you know how it makes me look to my friends giving money to a dog?

Me: You should be more concerned about what they think of you being on the dogblog.

Grampa Tony: The what?

Me: We've gone over this.

Office pawlitics

2011-01-31T11:38:00.000-08:00

Auntie Robyn runs an office next to Stanley Park. She also runs a secret dog treat operation from the kitchenette. The reason I rudely run past Carmen (–>) in such a hurry to get back there is that I don't want anyone else to see.* Now that my behaviour is documented, I understand I can continue it until my sit-down with HR? I'll keep my eyes open for a meeting-maker.

About the treat-bar, they've just changed their selection and I'm a big fan of the update. The new menu features smaller, but far more flavourful morsels. I'm thinking about putting in a request for cheese chasers, but can't decide between Marble, Brie or Jarlsberg. Hmm...

*Now that the cat's out of the bag, the secret word is "GO" (but you've gotta say it in a certain way).

Top 5 things about my bed

2011-01-20T12:01:00.000-08:00

5. The new mattress cover. Uncle Pete and Tante Claire have one at the cottage. Not that I've ever been on their bed. Honestly.

4. The pattern on the duvet cover reminds me of the organic treats from Halifax, which makes me have good dreams.

3. The invitations I get to come up. Like I'm doing the peeps a favour by enjoying 5-star comfort.

2. The King size. It's a lot of real estate. I've even divided it up into neighbourhoods. There's Windowview to the north and Tiia-Toe Town to the southwest. Bathroom Heights is due south, but prevailing wind sometimes makes it not the most pleasant place to be.

1. The fact that Dan and Tiia still think it's their bed.

Ask The Maui Monster

2011-01-12T07:21:00.000-08:00

Dan goes into an office every day?? Who is giving you your midday cheese snack?

- Miranda

I know, right? It's completely unacceptable. Luckily, years of picking up the frisbee has made me quite dexterous (look at me, droppin' the big words) so I can open the fridge by myself. It's the ziplock bag that's now causing me grief.

Of course, if my plight interests you, you're more than welcome to come by and help a brother out. The front door is locked, but if you really love me, you'll find a way around that. My suggestion is to call Dan and tell him someone is threatening to cancel 90210 from the PVR schedule. He'll be home faster than you can say Adrianna.*

PS: Don't tell him I said that.

Dear Uncle Peter...

2011-01-11T15:18:00.000-08:00

Dan just told me you left the country without informing me. I was less than thrilled at first, but then he showed me where you went and I got happy. And jealous. But mostly happy.

Not much has changed since you left. Actually, that's not true. Dan goes to his office every day, which means the peeps are awake at home only 6 out of every 24 hours. And it's still in complete disarray. I swear, it's a gift.

Mornings

2010-11-22T21:57:00.000-08:00

Every day begins with a big stretch. What happens after that is always different. Today, it was walking to a BBQ joint without my people.

St. Maui

2010-11-01T16:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Heavenly Father,

If you ever create a "patron saint of smiles" position, I'd very much like to be considered for the role. I bring a proven track record of putting smiles on the grouchiest people you've put in front of me.*

I also bring an interdisciplinary approach to smile-promotion, having elicited them in a number of environments; including a junior public school, an advertising agency, a four-star hotel and an accountant's office during tax time.

I think I would a be positive addition to the team, and if given the job, the first thing I'd do is turn St. George's frown upside down – I know he's had a rough couple of years.

I thank you for your time and hope that, when my time comes and I go to the better place, I'll have a job waiting for me. We'll discuss salary when I arrive.

Sincerely,

Maui Yurkenbaum

*that woman on the Ossington bus the other day was completely unfair – a multiple orgasm wouldn't have cheered her up.

Why the "Y"?

2010-10-11T08:55:00.000-07:00

Aunty Julie: Maui, how come I get a "Y" and Auntie Robyn doesn't?

Me: Because she already has one. And I already have one. And now you have one.

Aunty Julie: Fair enough.

Dear Misters Ford, Smitherman and Rossi...

2010-10-05T11:54:00.000-07:00

If elected, would you consider bending the "No Dogs Allowed" policy in public buildings? What about an "indoor license" exam we could take? I think I'd do quite well on that...certainly better than I'd do on the guard-dog exam.

Ask The Maui Monster

2010-09-28T12:09:00.001-07:00

Dear Maui Monster,

Hello???

- The Peeps

Dear Peeps,

Dan and I have to share a computer and he's been kind of a hog lately. And it's not like I didn't try, because a lot's happened:

Uncle Peter is spending some time with us. I like how he makes Tiia laugh.
I pooed next to one of the "No Dogs Allowed" signs on Sudbury Street.
"G-Dub" has been dropped in favour of "Walter Wagon". It's growing on me.
There's an Isaac, apparently?

What I really need is a computer of my own. But it'd have to be a desktop because I can't open a laptop. And I don't have a lap. Or a desk. Hmmm...

Going to Ed before dinner

2010-08-30T10:56:00.000-07:00

Whenever I'm with Dan's folks, I always make sure to get a chin scratch from Grampa Ed. He applies just the right amount of finger pressure and he never rushes it. Also, the golf calluses give them an added sensation that really cranks my tail.

Roger and Jessica Rabbit

2010-08-26T10:55:00.000-07:00

Jessica Rabbit has been driving Team Yurkenbaum around since the beginning – and no matter how much crap Dan and Tiia put in the back seat, she always found a way to make me comfortable. She did have this annoying habit of funneling in a deafening wind when only my window was open..but I guess she was just drawn up that way.

Jessica will be meeting her maker tomorrow, but not before she meets G-Dub, her nephew and Team Yurkenbaum's new chariot. Down there, that's me in my new spacious new travel cabin (yeah right), and that's Roger in the back seat, who was nice enough to let me come along for the test drive. The world needs more dog-friendly people. Bravo, Roger. Bravo.

Doggleganger?

2010-08-22T20:39:00.000-07:00

About three years ago, before Page 7 got off the ground, Dan and I talked about getting me in front of the camera. We thought there was a shortage of cute black dogs out there. Looks like we missed our window.

Ask The Maui Monster

2010-08-14T15:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Maui Monster

My people won't take me out with them everywhere they go. Today they went on a girly shopping mission and I thought for sure they'd take me because I'm one of the girls, but they left me at home. What do you suggest?

Stuck at home Sophie

Dear Sophie,

It's too bad you didn't get to go because you would've had fun – the girls are in fine form these days. Jacko and I got to hang with them at girlie brunch the other day. It was a hoot from the word "go".

What you need to do is divide and conquer; appeal to the girls individually and get them to advocate for you the next time they go out. I understand you have until Tuesday night to make it happen. Here's how I would approach each of them:

Auntie Robyn: Do something absurd and let her see you do it, but make sure the others aren't around so she can describe it to them. She'll make you look good.

Aunty Julie: With everyone else available to hold Charlie, she might need something to do with her hands. Bring her something for her to play with you. Not a diaper.

Tiia: Snuggle up to her when she's on the couch. The cuter you can make yourself look, the more likely she'll be to give you cheese. Trust me.

Charlie: I haven't spent a lot of time with Charlie yet, but from what I can remember, stay away from telling her the story of the Jewish people; Dan tried that and it didn't work out.

Good luck, and lemmie know how it goes.

Road Trip 2010: Day 14 – Saving the best for last

2010-08-03T22:11:00.001-07:00

I've had some pretty memorable mornings in my life, but nothing even comes close to today's. Tiia and Dan took me to Cour Ailée to meet my father. He's a seven year-old Barbet named Punch, but if you hung around the dog show circuit, you would have known him as "Conga".

As soon as we saw each other, we knew, too. We have the same mannerisms, the same strikingly good looks and, as it turns out, the same love for the love. We don't have the same smile, though, because Punch lost a few of his front teeth when he ran face first into a tree.

As happy as I was, Dan and Tiia were even happier, and that was the best part of the day. I was afraid that they'd think I'd pull the "you're not my real parents" routine on them after meeting my kin, but the truth is that, while I was once a Cour Ailée, I'm a Yurkenbaum now, through and through. And I'm pretty proud to say that.

I'm a bit emotional now, so I'll let the pictures tell the rest of the story.

"Been forever and a day, my boy!"

Okay, we do have the same smile! And the same eyes!

Me and Lynn...she was my first person.

Tiia and Punch having a moment.

I knew my chin-resting came from somewhere.

This is Echo, another Cour Ailée barbet (no relation to me). I sure don't miss that haircut.

My two dads.

Road Trip 2010: Day 13

2010-08-02T22:30:00.000-07:00

Officer 1: Name?

Me: Maui

Officer 2: Like Maui Wowie?

Me: No sir. I've never even heard of that strain. Crap.

Road Trip 2010: Days 11 & 12

2010-08-01T11:02:00.000-07:00

If you ever get the feeling that you might be taking being Canadian for granted, go check out the Cabot Trail. Then go eat some lobster. But if you're gonna eat lobster, give some to your dog because I'm sure he or she would like to try some. Hint hint.

Ask the Maui Monster: Roadtrip Edition (Days 9 & 10)

2010-07-27T20:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Maui Monster,

My people are taking me on a roadtrip at the end of August and I'm really nervous about it because I really don't like being in the car that much. What can I do to make it easier?

Respectfully,

Help needed

Dear HN,

While I can't exactly relate because I enjoy being in the car, the eight-hour stretches did get to be a bit much – even for me. I think it all boils down to peep-management: specifically, the more uncomfortable you can appear to be, the more they'll do to make you happy. I recommend getting up and down a few times, circling a few different spots and hanging your head off the back seat from time to time. I did that and got Dan to give me his pillow.

Road Trip 2010: Day 8

2010-07-26T19:16:00.000-07:00

Tiia and Dan spent the day in bed working. I was going to object, but given the $22 dollar treats they bought me yesterday, I thought it best to keep my muzzle shut and let them earn. When Dan did drag his ass up and take me out, it was for a two-hour, mostly uphill walk in the rain. I was going to object, but lost the will to speak about half-way through it. At least we finally saw the Halifax Citadel.

Speaking of walking, big shout out to Aunty Becky who walked 38 km for Oxfam this weekend. If you happen to be near Intrepid Travel on Bloor Street in the next few days, pop in, congratulate her and offer to massage her feet.

Road Trip 2010: Day 7

2010-07-25T13:47:00.000-07:00

We stumbled across the Halifax gay pride parade today. Tiia bought me a rainbow bandana for the occasion. It wasn't the most comfortable thing in the world to walk around in, but certainly better than leather chaps or two pairs of stilettos.

I wonder if I would have been gay had I been given the option? I do admire their sense of fun and I totally dig the house music, but I have a strange suspicion that I would have been pretty bad at it. My Uncle Woofy was a bit gay, and while I was flattered by his advances, I often just found them irritating. Guess that answers that.

I hate when Dan ruins perfectly good photo-ops.

Road Trip 2010: Day 6

2010-07-23T19:44:00.000-07:00

There's a well-established social contract between me and the peeps. One of the finer points clearly requires a heads-up before sending me into salt water for the first time. I learned today that Dan and Tiia either missed that clause of the agreement or thought it'd be a hoot to watch my face contort at my first taste of the Atlantic. Either way, this non-compliance will not go unnoticed. However, given that today's dip in the ocean was pretty awesome, I'm thinking that I only have to break a small rule to even the playing field. Maybe I'll hide the TV converter at our next hotel? That always makes me giggle back home.

Peggy's Cove really is everything it's cracked up to be.

First they lead me unwittingly into the salty sea, then they tempt me with its fruits. Savages.

Road Trip 2010: Day 5

2010-07-22T20:28:00.001-07:00

Back in Quebec City, Tiia and Dan bought me an edible bone to keep me busy in the hotel room when they left for dinner. Apparently, they didn't think I could hang out by myself (or they thought I'd figure out how to order room service). What they didn't bank on was the bone giving me serious runs at 4:45 in the morning two days later in Wolfville, NS. That'll teach them not to trust me.

After the tummy boo boo and a tour of Acadia University, we pushed on to Halifax and the best hotel yet. The room is huge, we're right on the water and the concierge gave me treats. When the peeps went out for dinner tonight, I was gonna call down for a few more, but the king size bed and 1000 thread-count sheets were treat enough. Besides, I'm sure Dan'll get me more tomorrow. He's good like that.

Breakfast in the rain in the Acadia parking lot. No time for ambience when you're on the road.

Snacks outside Pier 21 in Halifax. This is where Gramma Helen landed when she came to Canada. You can tell, too – it's very clean.

Road Trip 2010: Day 4

2010-07-21T18:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Captain of the Princess of Acadia,

This afternoon, my peeps and I rode your lovely boat from Saint John to Digby and your "no dogs on deck" rule forced me to stay in the car, alone for three hours in the bowels of your vessel, while Dan and Tiia got to enjoy the fresh maritime air, the beautiful vistas and the surprisingly warm breeze. I just want to let you know that, had you let me come up, I would have been way better behaved than the obnoxiously loud group of pre-teen singing girls who ruined Dan's nap (or so I heard).

I had to eat in the basement like an animal. Wait a minute...

Road Trip 2010: Day 3

2010-07-21T05:01:00.000-07:00

My friends in the dog park said that crossing over into a new time zone made them feel all groggy and ruined their sleeping patterns. I did it for the first time today and I feel exactly the same. Sure, it was only an hour, but it's still an hour of my life I'll never get back. Well, I guess I'll get it back on our way home, but it doesn't change the fact that today was a 23-hour day. Maybe senseless babbling is a side effect of time change? Hmmm....?

Also, on Grampa Tony's recommendation, we went to check out the Reversing Falls in Saint John this evening. Gotta say, not all that exciting – which is interesting because I've been pretty excited by his recos in the past (gravlox, BBQ sausage, making Uncle Peter do stuff). What was tremendously exciting, however, was running across a major highway to get back.

Looking for a good time? Try Eastern Quebec

Tiia and I on the steps of Fredricton's City Hall.

Road Trip 2010: Day 2

2010-07-19T20:21:00.000-07:00

I'm a canine. But I'm a French canine. Why does this matter? Because Tiia, Dan and I went for a hike on the Plains of Abraham this morning, and as I ran along the rolling hills, I had to decide whether to pretend to be Wolfe or Montcalm. I chose the latter which, given the results of the Seven Year War, probably wasn't the best way to go; but as the Marquis surely said at one point or another, c'est la vie.

Dan thought it'd be fun to make me chase the frisbee down an 80˚ hill. I think it'll be fun to let a few ripe ones go in the car tomorrow.

I met my great grandfather today for the first time. I think he thought that me being a French Water Dog meant that I spoke French. I smiled and nodded a lot.

Road Trip 2010: Day 1

2010-07-18T21:22:00.000-07:00

"Maui, we're gonna hit the road at 8 am sharp; so make sure you go to sleep early." That was the last thing Tiia said to me last night. I figured that meant we'd be on the road by 9. Wound up being 10:47. Gotta love Yurkenbaum Standard Time.

Our first stop was Cornwall where I got a chance to stretch my legs, play a bit of frisbee and get Dan all flustered again by not eating my lunch (a fun game no matter what area code you're in). After that we continued on to our first stop on the tour – the jewel of la belle provence and my home town – Quebec City.

After checking in and finally eating, we went out for a walk around and it was just like I remembered; except for the Rammstein concert going on in the park across the road from the hotel. Seriously.

The air in Quebec is basically the same at 100 km/h

The perfect end to a long day in the car.

It was only a matter of time...

2010-07-04T11:06:00.000-07:00

This is Maui. We met in Bickford the other day. I was a bit confused as to why his people would name an Alaskan Husky after a Hawaiian Island, but then I realized that naming a French Water Dog Maui is just as random.

Actually, it's more random because at least Alaska and Hawaii are two US states; the two non-continental US states; the two final states. Damn...his name works on so many levels. Gotta say, I'm a bit jealous.

True story...

2010-06-25T09:53:00.000-07:00

I was in a meadow. There was a little tree in the middle. I walked up to it and noticed that on the little branches of the little tree were 87 little cheese shops; each offering a different kind.

I slowly scanned through my options. The smelly cheeses tended to be towards the ends of the branches (I assume for ventilation's sake), while the soft cheeses were almost all next to the trunk, which worked out well for bark dipping. It was too much choice, too much pressure! Where to begin?

Found My Marbles was snugly situated on the tree's west side, about three quarters up, and next door to The Jolly Jarlsberg and Gouda, Wouda, Shouda; and it felt right. I knocked on the door and a little mouse in an orange and yellow chef's hat promptly answered. "We've been expecting you, Maui Monster" he said as the wonderful smell of his creations tickled my nose. "I knew you'd come here first so I had Jacques prepare you an amuse-bouche". He went behind the door and returned with a perfectly shaped sliver. He brought it towards my salivating mouth, and just as I opened wide to receive it, a parade of soccer fans went past my window and woke me up with their car horns, vuvuzelas and drunken cheering after a 0-0 result.

How do you say "I want my Cheese Tree back" in Portuguese?

That all natural copper look

2010-06-23T23:28:00.000-07:00

I used to be all about showing off my beard, but now I think the 'stache is my facial piece de resistance. How great is the colour? I was a bit concerned a while ago when I started going grey on my back, but this has totally reaffirmed my follicular faith. I wonder if this is a Barbet thing or a me thing? I'm going with the latter because I like feeling special. Speaking of special, Dan gave me some of the good cheese today. Not sure what I did to deserve it but it probably wasn't rolling around in the smelly pile at Trinity – although it'd be really great if it was. Only one way to find out...

H2O my god that's cold!

2010-06-19T20:23:00.000-07:00

"Look, I could tell you that it's just as awesome to be a herder or a digger or a climber or even a retriever. But then you'd notice my webbed feet, my non-shedding coat, my dorsal fin and how much faster than you I can swim – and you'd know that I was lying to your face, which would damage our relationship, which would be the worst. So instead, I'll just tell you the truth: one day, you'll wish you were a water dog. And no one will judge you because you'd be right to feel the way you do. Trust me."

That's what I think every year after my first swim of the summer.

Life can be fun when you've got nowhere to be.

2010-06-15T18:53:00.001-07:00

Every once in a while, I get the insatiable need to annoy Dan. My method of late is to get really excited about playing frisbee, make one catch, then cop a squat and make him come to me.

The best part is when he attempts to stand his ground, as if he thinks I don't have the time to wait him out. Actually, that's the second best part. The best part is when he says something like "well, it's your loss", because it's so not.

Country livin'

2010-06-14T10:26:00.000-07:00

Dan, Tiia and I went up to Cairo's place in Stoufville the other week for a day in the sun. I gotta tell ya, I could get used to life out of the city. It's not that I don't like being a WQW dog – the neighbourhood is great, I've got a lot of good friends here and the food I find on the street is lovely – but the thought of hanging out in a back yard is dreamy.

I overheard Tiia saying that she was gonna spend most of the summer in the Malbonoff's back yard. It's a good first step.

The new man of the house

2010-06-07T10:27:00.000-07:00

This is the Burning Man. He was a birthday gift to Tiia from La Groupe. I've tried getting to know him but he's been remarkably unresponsive.

Hotdog

2010-05-29T09:25:00.000-07:00

The Wilson Heights Warhawks are Dan's softball team. They had a horrible year last year and vowed to be better in 2010. I got a chance to watch their first game of the season with Tiia and Aunty Melly, and the early returns look good. They seem to have changed their offensive game plan from a top-heavy to a more balanced lineup, and they've gotten way better defensively. Of course, it was about 100 degrees out there so it's possible that everything I saw was a heat-induced hallucination. It wouldn't be the first time.

Improved hearing?

2010-05-23T22:07:00.000-07:00

I had to wear a cone this week. First time doing that. I've seen other dogs in the neighbourhood wearing them from time to time, and I never made fun of them because I thought that if I showed a little compassion, karma would be good to me. Harumph.

Dan said I had to try to find the positives of wearing it to make it easier. My only thought was that it would amplify my hearing, and it totally did...just in time for the day Dan decided to play Jolene on repeat. Sometimes I hate my life.

Bad day

2010-05-19T19:08:00.000-07:00

My hair got cut way shorter than Dan and Tiia said it would, I've got some pretty serious runs, and all I want is a piece of cheese. Looking forward to tomorrow....

Ask The Maui Monster

2010-05-13T11:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Maui Monster...

I get insanely jealous when I see other dogs hanging their heads out car windows because my people won't let me do it. They probably think I'll jump out or something – which I'd obviously never do unless I saw a really fresh french stick. Any thoughts on how to get a whiff of whipping fresh air?

Cooped in the car

Dear Cooped...

So you're a bread man, huh? I'm more of a cheese man, but I've got respect for the breadsies. The Portuguese folks in my 'hood leave a lot of bread out for the birds. It's mostly crap, but once in a while I come across a really nice loaf. That makes my day.

As for cracking your window dilemma, you'll first have to get them to experience the rush of hanging their head out the window themselves. If your peeps are as tight-assed as you say they are, you'll have to drive their heads out with a foul smell. Farting is your best option (pooing will get you into serious trouble and puking is just uncomfortable). Once they've felt the wind in their faces, they'll be far more likely to let you try it. Voila, the groundwork's been laid.

The first time they let you do it, they're going to be watching you the whole time, so it's important that you look as cute as possible. Make sure you're lined up perfectly with the side mirror to give your peeps the best view of your cuteness. Given their paranoia level, it's really important that you hang out the passenger side window for the first little while – if you try the driver's side too quickly and a truck comes whipping by even remotely close, you'll be shut down.

When you eventually do get to the driver's side, what you want is for the driver to get so enamoured by your cuteness that they lose control of the car for a second, because then it becomes a story they'll tell – and once they have an entrenched tale that starts with "One time, my dog was hanging his head out the window", you're home free for life.

New to the napping nook...

2010-05-06T11:39:00.000-07:00

Dan came home with a Marshmallow fold-out sofa for me the other day. Well, maybe not for me, but it doesn't matter much now, does it?

I like the Toy Story covering. I wonder what I would look like as a toy? I think I'd be plush instead of plastic. And I'd come with all of my stuff: frisbee, water bottle, brick of cheese I got for my birthday – none of this "sold separately" nonsense. Actually, that's not true. Snow booties can be sold separately. Or not at all. Stupid snow booties.

Separated at Birth

2010-04-30T16:20:00.000-07:00

Daisy's a doodle we met in Trinity this afternoon. Bear in the Big Blue House is a bear who lives in a big blue house. I know...I have trouble telling them apart, too.

This morning, someone said I looked like a boy in a dog costume. I was a bit offended at first, but then started thinking about a Maui costume, and other Maui merchandise, and how much cheese I could buy with the royalties – the good cheese, too.

I wonder if I'd have to split the profits with Dan and Tiia? I'd need a wallet for my money. Oh, but then I'd need a pocket to put it in. And pants for the pocket. Ah...black hole!!

Sticking up for my peeps

2010-04-29T08:53:00.000-07:00

In response to the number of parking tickets Dan and Tiia have gotten over the last month, I pooed on the police station lawn this morning. I do what I can.

Back to sleep.

Happy Birthday to me...

2010-04-27T18:01:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my fourth birthday but Dan and Tiia insisted on celebrating it today. They've actually done that every year. I'm not sure why.

Normally, I don't mind, but this year I got cheated out of a champagne birthday. The four Timmie cookies, deer antler and brick of cheese more than made up for it.

Tired.

2010-04-25T13:14:00.000-07:00

I ran about 20 km this week and walked up to Bloor Street twice. Even if I had something worth saying, I don't have the strength. Good thing it's crappy out today. G'nite.

Reunion

2010-04-23T11:12:00.000-07:00

Wicket is a Portuguese Water Dog I grew up with in Trinity; actually, he was my first friend in the park. We got a chance to catch up the other day for some frisbee. He's got pretty good hops, a great centre of gravity and a crazy strong jaw (over there is a picture of him almost ripping my teeth out). I like to think I taught him everything he knows. I also like to think Tiia loves the smell of what I roll in as much as I do.

Wicket moved out of the 'hood last year, so we met up in Bickford. I really like it there. Dan and I have been going through Bickford a lot more now that Aunty Becky's new office is close by. Maybe she'll start keeping dog treats by her computer? Ahem.

Dan calls it frisbee. I call it keep-away.

2010-04-22T10:11:00.001-07:00

Say ahhh...

2010-04-19T12:45:00.000-07:00

I love going to the vet for my yearly physical – not because I like having my legs stretched over my head or my ass poked with needles, but because I so enjoy watching Dan have to scoop my poo into that little yellow container. No, it's not as good as a hole in the bag; but hey, what is?

A man of few words

2010-04-08T15:09:00.000-07:00

Grampa Tony: Uh, Maui...?

Me: Yes, Grampa?

Grampa Tony: Why is Dan taking a picture of us?

Me: It's for the dogblog.

Grampa Tony: The what?

Me: The dogblog. It's an account of my life as a Yurkenbaum.

Grampa Tony: Yurkenbaum?

Me: Yeah.

Grampa: Uh, Tiia...?

Ask The Maui Monster

2010-04-06T17:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Maui Monster...

I just found out that my people are going to have a baby. I'm not happy about becoming second fiddle for the rest of my life. I'm aware that this isn't a question.

- Concerned

Dear Concerned,

Your feelings are totally understandable. I went through a bout of that myself when my people's friends started having kids. But then I started hanging out with some of them (that's me with Zacko up there) and have since discovered a few choice benefits to having kids around. For example, they drop a lot of food. Now, it's not great food for the first little bit, but the cheese'll come soon enough.

As for becoming second fiddle, I don't think you have to worry. But just in case, you may want to be extra nice. I, for example, have started spending nights on the floor next to the bed rather than on it, draped over Dan and Tiia. I'm sure this gesture will not go unnoticed when their time comes.

Poof!

2010-04-03T15:35:00.000-07:00

I hate going to the groomers. I'm pretty open about it every time, so I really don't understand why Dan and Tiia keep taking me back there, especially since I can pretty much get them to do just about anything else – last week I had sprinkled cheese with dinner every day!

I need a new plan of attack. I can't stand looking like a giant puffball. Maybe Kai will brainstorm with me? I noticed he doesn't much like Saturday afternoon bowl cleanings. I feel a partnership coming on.

Four questions of my own

2010-03-31T15:00:00.000-07:00

On all other nights, Dan and Tiia are pretty calm when they're late for dinner at Gramma and Grampas. Why, on this night, were they freaking out the entire way up?

On all other nights, Gramma and Grampa sit on either ends of the table. Why, on this night, did they sit next to each other at someone else's table?

On all other nights, I can count on someone dropping a piece of food within a few minutes of sitting down to eat. Why, on this night, did I have to wait 35 minutes for horseradish on matzah?

On all other nights, Dan breaks into some ridiculous accent. Okay, three questions.

The Second Yurkenbaum

2010-03-23T20:02:00.000-07:00

This is my little brother, Kai. He's a betta fish, which means he's a distant relative of the Siamese fighting fish, which means I'm now a distant relative of the Siamese fighting fish, which makes perfect sense because I'm a pretty good swimmer.

I was a bit put off when Tiia brought him home last week, mostly because I thought he'd undermine everything I've done to become top banana around here. But after a little chit-chat, he swore he'd never make a play for my spot in the bed if I promised to never swat his bowl over on to the floor – which I'd obviously never do, but he doesn't know that.

17 and sunny

2010-03-20T13:33:00.000-07:00

Some days are just meant for the pit.

My staycation...

2010-03-19T00:01:00.000-07:00

Last Tuesday

Robyn and I dropped Dan and Tiia off at the airport and went home. I was pretty sure there would be a dog walker coming, but I didn't know when. I thought if I kept busy, I could make the time go faster. I decided to make a list of everything I wanted to do before the peeps came home. First up was seeing which side of the bed was more comfortable in the morning. I assumed it was Dan's since he doesn't move over when Tiia goes to work. I was right. I hope he understands why he'll have to move.

Later that day, I was having a great dream about New Years at the cottage when Jenna came by for a walk. It was great to see her again, greater that we were gonna hang out every day, and even greater still that Gracie was with her! Besides a couple of burrs, it was a great afternoon stroll.

When we got home, I went straight to bed. My plan was to make it to the carpet by the time Auntie Robyn got home from work, but it didn't quite play out that way. I can't believe Tiia gave her the towel trick. Next on the list: find a way to get that door open.

Last Wednesday

Crappy, rainy day. Not feeling so well. Not even a treat from Jenna helped. Lying in bed would've been really nice today. Stupid towel.

Last Thursday

Woke up feeling a lot better and ready to get back to the list. Today's goal was to finally add a new daytime napping spot to the bed-nook-purple couch rotation; it was between the warmer white carpet and the softer brown ottoman. The plan was to break up prime napping hour* into two 29 minute halves and compare. The carpet won. I'm sure Tiia will be happy.

* prime napping hour (PNH) is between 12:40pm-1:40pm, and is known as such because it's the time least likely to be out for a walk.

Last Friday

I woke up scared shitless. Literally. I had a bad dream last night about Dan and Tiia not coming home. I think I miss them more than I thought I did. I miss Tiia's canine-like ability to fall asleep in seconds when she comes home from work. And I miss when Dan randomly makes himself giggle. But the women in my life made it all better, from running around with Jenna and Gracie in the afternoon to chillaxin' with Auntie Robyn in the evening. I was ready for a great weekend.

Saturday Morning

Weather says rain all weekend long. Next item on the list: sleep 32 out of a possible 38 hours.

Sunday afternoon

Mission accomplished.

Monday

I feel so much better about me and Jackson. Auntie Robyn took me over to his place, presumably to apologize in person. While she enjoyed a glass of wine with Auntie Julie and Uncle Josh, I took Jackson to the front room and let it all out. "Cuz," I said sincerely. "I never meant to imply that I don't love hanging out with you and the J's; but if I had to choose I'd want to stay at my place." I think he understood. Another item checked off the list.

Tuesday

It's no secret that between me, Dan and Tiia; I wear the pants. With Auntie Robyn, it's completely different. She hasn't even budged on the towel door. I thought she'd have cracked or forgotten by now. Anyway, I thought I'd exert a little dominance in the park this afternoon with a bit of humping, but wound up getting humped myself. Jenna said it served me right. I thought the service could have been better.

That afternoon, I took a full nap on the white carpet for the first time...so awesome. I totally made the right choice. I still haven't told the ottoman. I'm looking for a way to cushion the blow.

Yesterday

Gramma Christine came by yesterday for a walk. It was awesome! The best part about walking with her is that she loves to talk. We chatted about everything from seeing the world to becoming a grandmother. She told me that I'd have my challenges, but if I remained true to myself and followed by dreams that I'd be okay. It's good advice...seems to be working for the peeps.

Today

I love when Dan and Tiia come home, and how excited they are to see me. I'm excited to see them, but I think they're more excited. They came home just as Jenna and I were going out for our walk. It's great to have them home, but I'm really gonna miss Jenna and Aunty Robyn. Sure, my surroundings were the same, but it was a completely different vibe and I liked it a lot.

With that in mind, if anyone's interested in inviting Dan and Tiia to go somewhere in the next little while so I can take another staycation, I'd really appreciate it. You'd probably have to pay for them, but you'd be helping me out. And isn't that worth it? I think so.

Dear Auntie Robyn...

2010-03-09T07:00:00.000-08:00

I understand we're gonna be roomies while Dan and Tiia are away. I normally require input into decisions like this, but truth be told, you would've been my first choice anyway.

I saw Dan show you how to put my food out. He left out the part where he sprinkles every meal with cheese. There's a brick in the fridge for your convenience.

Also, I heard Tiia tell you to shut the door to the bedroom when you go to work. She was kidding. Honestly.

My people are dicks.

2010-03-07T15:34:00.000-08:00

Feelin' good. Lookin' better.

2010-03-04T13:09:00.000-08:00

I wasn't allowed to sleep in the bed last night because I was too muddy. My argument against was that my muddiness was Dan and Tiia's fault (they're the ones who took me to the muddy park to throw around a muddy frisbee) and I shouldn't have had to suffer for their lack of foresight. It didn't fly. Of course, once they fell asleep, it didn't matter.

I'm not sure if it was the beach I left on the bed this morning or the cloud of dust that rose off my back every time I sat down this afternoon that finally prompted Dan to give me a bath. Either way, there's a pillow with my name on it this evening.

Honestly...

2010-03-03T12:28:00.000-08:00

"Dan, I'm gonna have a nap. Can you look into how I'd go about a creating a Facebook group?"

How hard is that?

Maybe I need to use sign language next time? Damn paws.

Anyway, order is restored. Back to bed.

Gots me a Facebook group

2010-03-03T12:02:00.000-08:00

Check it out!

Everyone, meet Bonnie!

2010-03-01T19:51:00.000-08:00

If you're thinking "Oh my god, she could be your sister!", you'd be right. Not only is this my younger sister, but she was named Best in Show TWICE in 2007. I wonder if she mentioned me in her speech?

I like to think that I had a little something to do with her success. As the second-eldest of our litter and the oldest boy, I'm sure she depended on me when we were growing up. And I know myself...I'd have totally given her my spot at the teet when I was done. I'm good like that.

Bonnie, if you're reading this, I'd love to see you again and swap stories; and I hear you're not that far away. Dan and Tiia are down with it. Talk to your people and let's make it happen.

PS: Do you love cheese, too?

True Petriot Love

2010-02-28T10:27:00.000-08:00

Ozzie Ossington

2010-02-25T17:09:00.000-08:00

Ozzie Ossington is a buddy of mine in the building. That's him over there on the right. If Yoda and Chewbacca had a love child, it'd look like Ozzie.

Ozzie was named after Ossington Avenue, which is the closest main street to our place. I was named after either a tropical island or a strain of marijuana. Either one works for me.

24 hours I'll never get back

2010-02-24T22:45:00.000-08:00

The most productive thing I did today was this blog entry. I'm not proud, but it is what it is. Back to sleep. Again.

The tough decisions of daily life

2010-02-23T11:02:00.000-08:00

Deciding where to nap is more difficult than you'd think. In bed I get a comfy mattress, six pillows and a lovely northern view of the city. In the corner nook I'm closer to the page 7 action, the fridge, and the cheese in the fridge. The stress of it all is so tiring; which actually works out pretty well.

Ask The Maui Monster

2010-02-22T18:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Maui Monster

I'm a 15 pound lap-dog trapped in a 110 pound German Shepherd's body. I want to let my true self out, but I'm afraid my people won't accept me for who I really am, not to mention the ridicule I'll probably get in the park. What should I do?

Confused

Dear Confused...

Sometimes, you just gotta go for it.

That's what I'm talkin' about

2010-02-17T09:26:00.001-08:00

Whenever I can tell that we're gonna walk down to Queen Street, I get this giddy feeling like today might be the day Heel Boy puts their treat bowl back outside. Today was the day.

Doggleheads

2010-02-16T17:28:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last night that my likeness was stolen to make the first "Dogglehead" and it became the most successful chachka of all time. Then Dan and Tiia bought one because they thought it kinda looked like me, and I spent the rest of my life being taunted by me.

I've eaten breakfast at three in the afternoon the last two days.

2010-02-14T14:47:00.000-08:00

Just sayin'...

Check it out...my first diploma!

2010-02-12T11:15:00.000-08:00

I've been declared "agile" by Who's Walking Who!

Now, I know you must be thinking "Maui, you're a frisbee dog...of course you're agile". And that's what I thought when Dan and Tiia got me agility classes for Christmas; which in itself was a bit disappointing because I had asked for a hundred pounds of cheese.

What I didn't know was that in addition to being a skill, agility's also the name of an obstacle course-like sport for dogs; and after six weeks of the three T's (training, tenacity and treats), the moment of truth came yesterday: the graduation lap.

The goal was to run through the rainbow tire, up and down the A-frame, over the jump bar, up onto the table, through the tube, across the bridge, around the weave poles and over the high jump. Naturally, I rocked the joint. And now that I'm officially "Maui Yurkenbaum, B.Ag", there are a few people I'd like to thank:

Mindy: Thank you for not taking Dan and Tiia to task too much for their self-directed, über-liberal learning styles. I saw where you were going with things, even if they didn't.

Sheilah: Thank you for the extra help on the weave poles. They really were the bane of my existence, but your crack-like treats made learning so much more enjoyable.

Seamus: Thank you for setting the bar high from the very first day. I overheard your Mom say you're gonna take a shot at the big leagues. Give'em hell, buddy!

Zoe: Thank you for reminding us every class that it's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog. You can have the big table any time.

Bobo: Thank you for consistently deflecting attention away from my whining and whimpering with your submissiveness. You're a good friend.

Tiia: Thank you for pushing me and Dan to keep going with it, and for being my partner on the course. You're the beating heart of Team Yurkenbaum.

Dan: Thank you for supporting me and Tiia. I know you've been busy and it meant a lot that you didn't miss a class.

I eat sticks to make Dan mad.

2010-02-02T21:42:00.000-08:00

Seriously...if you ever get the chance to make Dan mad, you should totally take it. He puts on this ridiculous gruff voice, his eyes get all wide and he does this mad-walk which is even weirder than his normal walk.

I get him mad by eating sticks in the park. The downside is that I throw up sticks the next morning. If I time it right, though, I can get the urge between the time Tiia leaves for work and the time Dan thought he was sleeping until. I love how mad he wants to get, but doesn't because he really believes I'm not feeling well. He's good like that.

But sometimes I wish he'd just let loose, if only to watch him mad-walk down the hall.

Ask The Maui Monster

2010-01-26T21:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Maui Monster,

My people won't let me sleep in their bed. How can I change that?

Signed,

Uncomfortable on the Floor

Dear Uncomfortable,

This is a very common problem with a very easy solution. It just takes a bit of time. Before you begin, decide which side of the bed you'd like to claim for yourself – your guy's side or your girl's side. This is an important choice to make, because it will impact the rest of the steps.

Step 1: Start by jumping up on the bed after both your people have fallen asleep. If they spoon, wait for them to retreat to their sides before jumping up. Put yourself at the foot of the bed in between them so they both feel your presence, but in a non-obtrusive way. Do this every fourth night for about three weeks, but make sure you're off the bed by the time your first person wakes up.

Step 2: Start the fourth week by being on the bed when they wake up. They'll be angry for sure, but far less so than they would've been had you not spent the last three weeks wearing them down in their sleep. Get off the bed when they tell you to, but keep eye contact the whole way. You'll have to use your puppy dog look, but make sure to temper it to how mad your people are. If you go overboard, you'll lose credibility.

Step 3: Ramp up your nights on the bed to every other night, and stay there after wake-up every 4 or 5 times. You'll see that the reaction is less severe every time.

Step 4: This is where your actions deviate depending on whose side of the bed you plan on annexing. If you chose your girl, it's important to look cute. With that in mind, try positioning your body in funny positions when you're prone on the bed. Put your legs in the air, hang your tongue out...whatever. Just make sure it's super cute. Your goal should be to get her to take a picture of you with her phone within a week. If you chose your guy, it's all about physical contact. Nestle up to him throughout the night. Wake up with your chin on his thigh. Offer random high fives.

Step 5: Now you've got them right where you want them, and it's time to deliver the death blow. For the girl's side, get into bed before she does and lie on her side in the cutest possible way. She'll come in, giggle, probably take another picture, and then get into bed NEXT TO YOU because you're so cute that she won't want to move you. For the guy's side, start a wrestle with him in the hallway towards the end of the evening. Once he goes to bed, jump up to get one more swat in. Engage him for about 30 seconds, then just lie down next to him (but on the far side). He'll treat you as his equal in battle and let you hang with him. Either way, the cycle of "no" is broken, and you're entrenched.

Like I said, it's an investment, but it's one that totally pays off. Trust me.

Why can't the low sodium trend apply to sidewalks?

2010-01-07T18:58:00.000-08:00

If you're reading this, and you're one of those people who drown their sidewalks in salt to melt the snow, please stop. It's like walking on broken glass for us. It's gotten so bad that we've had to abandon our city walks: no more strolls along College Street. No more treks to Bickford. No more visits to Aunty Becky's offi...wait a minute, that means no more stops at Heel Boy for cookies...

Speaking of salt, in agility class today, the instructor said Dan and Tiia would have to give me extra special treats when I complete certain tasks, and they both instantly agreed that it would be cheese. Dance, puppets. Dance!

Tiia says stockings are the best part of Christmas...

2009-12-27T22:31:00.000-08:00

...and I have to agree with her. I got my first one this year. It was hung on the new cabinet between Dan and Tiia's, kinda like a gold medal podium. I wonder if that was subconscious on their part? Had I known the middle one was mine before Christmas Eve, I could have spent the two 2-hour car rides in less than 24 hours pondering it. Not saying I don't appreciate it, but taking me to cottage paradise and leaving before I even get a chance to get comfy is a bit cruel, don't you think? Ahem...?

So, in my very first stocking, I got a cute green furry guy to chase up and down the hall, a rooster that "cockadoodledoos" three times every time I bite it (great fun to break out when Tiia and Dan sit down to watch TV), and a really yummy cookie that totally makes up for getting shafted by Heel Boy on the Queen Street Walk. If you're reading this, and you shop at Heel Boy, can you please ask them to put the cookies back out front?

Who's the coolest dog in the world?

2009-11-12T07:39:00.000-08:00

You bet your tail it's me!

The perfect belly rub....

2009-11-04T21:23:00.000-08:00

The perfect belly rub is comprised of three very important elements, two of which have nothing to do with the belly:

Part 1: The Belly

Obviously, any good belly rub requires attention paid to the belly – but it's the kind of attention that dictates its quality. There should be a mixture of rubbing and scratching, and it should be evenly spread out across my stomach. Also, it should not veer too much to either side, and instead take north/south paths.

Part 2: The Armpits

During any belly scratch, you'll notice my arms and legs stretch out as far as they possibly can. That's the unspoken sign to pay a visit to my underarms. I'll yelp if you scratch too hard, so please be gentle.

Part 3: The Armpull

I'm never more relaxed that I am after a belly rub, which is why it's the perfect time to stretch my muscles.

The keys to being an off leash dog

2009-11-02T19:42:00.000-08:00

I don't mean to brag but, as of this month, I've spent more than half my life as an O.L.D. Actually, I kinda do mean to brag. Know why? 'Cause it wasn't easy to learn how to do it and it's even more difficult keeping the dream alive:

Road vs sidewalk: 95% of this is a no-brainer, but those alleyways can be tricky because they come out of nowhere and the sidewalk doesn't dip. There are other visual cues, though – look for little piles of trash and women with lots of makeup who walk a bit funny.

Mmmm...: There's a lot of great food around, but getting a taste without getting in trouble is key. I developed a variation on the bait and switch, whereby I'll poo about 20 feet from something yummy, and then while Dan's picking it up, go grab a bite. The best time to pull this one out is around dusk.

Doddlers: Once you become a bit more savvy, you'll start walking free on main streets – and that's generally where you'll run into doddlers: these are people who walk super slow for no reason. Even though they deserve to be bitten in the ass, you MUST resist the urge.

Squirrels: They know you're not going to run into the street. That's their trump card and they'll always play it. Bastards. Save yourself the frustration and leave them alone.

I know there are more, but I can't think of them right now. I'll be sure to think about more on tomorrow's walk.

On an unrelated note, I know I've been rather absent lately. It was a crazy busy October. I'll tell y'all about it later in the week.

I think I met my twin the other day...

2009-10-29T20:12:00.000-07:00

Ask The Maui Monster

2009-10-19T12:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Maui Monster:

My people left me home alone for almost nine hours. I find this unacceptable and would like to express my displeasure. Any suggestions?

Lonely Lhasa

Dear Lonely,

Like me, you have the benefit of long hair – which you can use to bring almost anything you want back in to the house with you. Remember, though; it's not so much what you bring in, but where you leave it. For example, I'm a big fan of dropping a pile of sand and woodchips on the bed when I get annoyed. I also find that letting snow melt off me on the bathroom floor really ticks Dan and Tiia off, especially if the newspaper's still in there.

Feel free to send your questions to maui.yurkenbaum@gmail.com. All questions will be posted and answered within 24 hours.

Tryptophan + lethargy = writer's block

2009-10-11T21:43:00.001-07:00

I spent seven of the last 36 hours in the back seat of the car, five sitting under the Thanksgiving dinner table catching scraps from delightfully messy eaters, and the rest sleeping or sitting. No wonder I have nothing to say.

Until the 'morrow.

The difference between a French Water Dog and a Portuguese Water Dog.

2009-10-07T21:28:00.001-07:00

We're ruder and less useful in battle.