Dear Maui Monster,My people won't let me sleep in their bed. How can I change that?
Signed,
Uncomfortable on the Floor
Dear Uncomfortable,
This is a very common problem with a very easy solution. It just takes a bit of time. Before you begin, decide which side of the bed you'd like to claim for yourself – your guy's side or your girl's side. This is an important choice to make, because it will impact the rest of the steps.
Step 1: Start by jumping up on the bed after both your people have fallen asleep. If they spoon, wait for them to retreat to their sides before jumping up. Put yourself at the foot of the bed in between them so they both feel your presence, but in a non-obtrusive way. Do this every fourth night for about three weeks, but make sure you're off the bed by the time your first person wakes up.
Step 2: Start the fourth week by being on the bed when they wake up. They'll be angry for sure, but far less so than they would've been had you not spent the last three weeks wearing them down in their sleep. Get off the bed when they tell you to, but keep eye contact the whole way. You'll have to use your puppy dog look, but make sure to temper it to how mad your people are. If you go overboard, you'll lose credibility.
Step 3: Ramp up your nights on the bed to every other night, and stay there after wake-up every 4 or 5 times. You'll see that the reaction is less severe every time.
Step 4: This is where your actions deviate depending on whose side of the bed you plan on annexing. If you chose your girl, it's important to look cute. With that in mind, try positioning your body in funny positions when you're prone on the bed. Put your legs in the air, hang your tongue out...whatever. Just make sure it's super cute. Your goal should be to get her to take a picture of you with her phone within a week. If you chose your guy, it's all about physical contact. Nestle up to him throughout the night. Wake up with your chin on his thigh. Offer random high fives.
Step 5: Now you've got them right where you want them, and it's time to deliver the death blow. For the girl's side, get into bed before she does and lie on her side in the cutest possible way. She'll come in, giggle, probably take another picture, and then get into bed NEXT TO YOU because you're so cute that she won't want to move you. For the guy's side, start a wrestle with him in the hallway towards the end of the evening. Once he goes to bed, jump up to get one more swat in. Engage him for about 30 seconds, then just lie down next to him (but on the far side). He'll treat you as his equal in battle and let you hang with him. Either way, the cycle of "no" is broken, and you're entrenched.
Like I said, it's an investment, but it's one that totally pays off. Trust me.
