Top 5 things about my bed

5. The new mattress cover. Uncle Pete and Tante Claire have one at the cottage. Not that I've ever been on their bed. Honestly.

4. The pattern on the duvet cover reminds me of the organic treats from Halifax, which makes me have good dreams.

3. The invitations I get to come up. Like I'm doing the peeps a favour by enjoying 5-star comfort.

2. The King size. It's a lot of real estate. I've even divided it up into neighbourhoods. There's Windowview to the north and Tiia-Toe Town to the southwest. Bathroom Heights is due south, but prevailing wind sometimes makes it not the most pleasant place to be.

1. The fact that Dan and Tiia still think it's their bed.

Ask The Maui Monster

Dan goes into an office every day?? Who is giving you your midday cheese snack?

- Miranda

I know, right? It's completely unacceptable. Luckily, years of picking up the frisbee has made me quite dexterous (look at me, droppin' the big words) so I can open the fridge by myself. It's the ziplock bag that's now causing me grief.

Of course, if my plight interests you, you're more than welcome to come by and help a brother out. The front door is locked, but if you really love me, you'll find a way around that. My suggestion is to call Dan and tell him someone is threatening to cancel 90210 from the PVR schedule. He'll be home faster than you can say Adrianna.*

PS: Don't tell him I said that.

Dear Uncle Peter...

Dan just told me you left the country without informing me. I was less than thrilled at first, but then he showed me where you went and I got happy. And jealous. But mostly happy.

Not much has changed since you left. Actually, that's not true. Dan goes to his office every day, which means the peeps are awake at home only 6 out of every 24 hours. And it's still in complete disarray. I swear, it's a gift.

Mornings

Every day begins with a big stretch. What happens after that is always different. Today, it was walking to a BBQ joint without my people.

St. Maui

Dear Heavenly Father,

If you ever create a "patron saint of smiles" position, I'd very much like to be considered for the role. I bring a proven track record of putting smiles on the grouchiest people you've put in front of me.*

I also bring an interdisciplinary approach to smile-promotion, having elicited them in a number of environments; including a junior public school, an advertising agency, a four-star hotel and an accountant's office during tax time.

I think I would a be positive addition to the team, and if given the job, the first thing I'd do is turn St. George's frown upside down – I know he's had a rough couple of years.

I thank you for your time and hope that, when my time comes and I go to the better place, I'll have a job waiting for me. We'll discuss salary when I arrive.

Sincerely,

Maui Yurkenbaum

*that woman on the Ossington bus the other day was completely unfair – a multiple orgasm wouldn't have cheered her up.

Why the "Y"?

Aunty Julie: Maui, how come I get a "Y" and Auntie Robyn doesn't?

Me: Because she already has one. And I already have one. And now you have one.

Aunty Julie: Fair enough.

Dear Misters Ford, Smitherman and Rossi...

If elected, would you consider bending the "No Dogs Allowed" policy in public buildings? What about an "indoor license" exam we could take? I think I'd do quite well on that...certainly better than I'd do on the guard-dog exam.