Ask The Maui Monster

Dear Maui Monster...

I get insanely jealous when I see other dogs hanging their heads out car windows because my people won't let me do it. They probably think I'll jump out or something – which I'd obviously never do unless I saw a really fresh french stick. Any thoughts on how to get a whiff of whipping fresh air?

Cooped in the car

Dear Cooped...

So you're a bread man, huh? I'm more of a cheese man, but I've got respect for the breadsies. The Portuguese folks in my 'hood leave a lot of bread out for the birds. It's mostly crap, but once in a while I come across a really nice loaf. That makes my day.

As for cracking your window dilemma, you'll first have to get them to experience the rush of hanging their head out the window themselves. If your peeps are as tight-assed as you say they are, you'll have to drive their heads out with a foul smell. Farting is your best option (pooing will get you into serious trouble and puking is just uncomfortable). Once they've felt the wind in their faces, they'll be far more likely to let you try it. Voila, the groundwork's been laid.

The first time they let you do it, they're going to be watching you the whole time, so it's important that you look as cute as possible. Make sure you're lined up perfectly with the side mirror to give your peeps the best view of your cuteness. Given their paranoia level, it's really important that you hang out the passenger side window for the first little while – if you try the driver's side too quickly and a truck comes whipping by even remotely close, you'll be shut down.

When you eventually do get to the driver's side, what you want is for the driver to get so enamoured by your cuteness that they lose control of the car for a second, because then it becomes a story they'll tell – and once they have an entrenched tale that starts with "One time, my dog was hanging his head out the window", you're home free for life.