Doggleheads

I had a dream last night that my likeness was stolen to make the first "Dogglehead" and it became the most successful chachka of all time. Then Dan and Tiia bought one because they thought it kinda looked like me, and I spent the rest of my life being taunted by me.

I've eaten breakfast at three in the afternoon the last two days.

Just sayin'...

Check it out...my first diploma!

I've been declared "agile" by Who's Walking Who!

Now, I know you must be thinking "Maui, you're a frisbee dog...of course you're agile". And that's what I thought when Dan and Tiia got me agility classes for Christmas; which in itself was a bit disappointing because I had asked for a hundred pounds of cheese.

What I didn't know was that in addition to being a skill, agility's also the name of an obstacle course-like sport for dogs; and after six weeks of the three T's (training, tenacity and treats), the moment of truth came yesterday: the graduation lap.

The goal was to run through the rainbow tire, up and down the A-frame, over the jump bar, up onto the table, through the tube, across the bridge, around the weave poles and over the high jump. Naturally, I rocked the joint. And now that I'm officially "Maui Yurkenbaum, B.Ag", there are a few people I'd like to thank:

Mindy: Thank you for not taking Dan and Tiia to task too much for their self-directed, über-liberal learning styles. I saw where you were going with things, even if they didn't.

Sheilah: Thank you for the extra help on the weave poles. They really were the bane of my existence, but your crack-like treats made learning so much more enjoyable.

Seamus: Thank you for setting the bar high from the very first day. I overheard your Mom say you're gonna take a shot at the big leagues. Give'em hell, buddy!

Zoe: Thank you for reminding us every class that it's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog. You can have the big table any time.

Bobo: Thank you for consistently deflecting attention away from my whining and whimpering with your submissiveness. You're a good friend.

Tiia: Thank you for pushing me and Dan to keep going with it, and for being my partner on the course. You're the beating heart of Team Yurkenbaum.

Dan: Thank you for supporting me and Tiia. I know you've been busy and it meant a lot that you didn't miss a class.

I eat sticks to make Dan mad.

Seriously...if you ever get the chance to make Dan mad, you should totally take it. He puts on this ridiculous gruff voice, his eyes get all wide and he does this mad-walk which is even weirder than his normal walk.

I get him mad by eating sticks in the park. The downside is that I throw up sticks the next morning. If I time it right, though, I can get the urge between the time Tiia leaves for work and the time Dan thought he was sleeping until. I love how mad he wants to get, but doesn't because he really believes I'm not feeling well. He's good like that.

But sometimes I wish he'd just let loose, if only to watch him mad-walk down the hall.

Ask The Maui Monster

Dear Maui Monster,

My people won't let me sleep in their bed. How can I change that?

Signed,

Uncomfortable on the Floor

Dear Uncomfortable,

This is a very common problem with a very easy solution. It just takes a bit of time. Before you begin, decide which side of the bed you'd like to claim for yourself – your guy's side or your girl's side. This is an important choice to make, because it will impact the rest of the steps.

Step 1: Start by jumping up on the bed after both your people have fallen asleep. If they spoon, wait for them to retreat to their sides before jumping up. Put yourself at the foot of the bed in between them so they both feel your presence, but in a non-obtrusive way. Do this every fourth night for about three weeks, but make sure you're off the bed by the time your first person wakes up.

Step 2: Start the fourth week by being on the bed when they wake up. They'll be angry for sure, but far less so than they would've been had you not spent the last three weeks wearing them down in their sleep. Get off the bed when they tell you to, but keep eye contact the whole way. You'll have to use your puppy dog look, but make sure to temper it to how mad your people are. If you go overboard, you'll lose credibility.

Step 3: Ramp up your nights on the bed to every other night, and stay there after wake-up every 4 or 5 times. You'll see that the reaction is less severe every time.

Step 4: This is where your actions deviate depending on whose side of the bed you plan on annexing. If you chose your girl, it's important to look cute. With that in mind, try positioning your body in funny positions when you're prone on the bed. Put your legs in the air, hang your tongue out...whatever. Just make sure it's super cute. Your goal should be to get her to take a picture of you with her phone within a week. If you chose your guy, it's all about physical contact. Nestle up to him throughout the night. Wake up with your chin on his thigh. Offer random high fives.

Step 5: Now you've got them right where you want them, and it's time to deliver the death blow. For the girl's side, get into bed before she does and lie on her side in the cutest possible way. She'll come in, giggle, probably take another picture, and then get into bed NEXT TO YOU because you're so cute that she won't want to move you. For the guy's side, start a wrestle with him in the hallway towards the end of the evening. Once he goes to bed, jump up to get one more swat in. Engage him for about 30 seconds, then just lie down next to him (but on the far side). He'll treat you as his equal in battle and let you hang with him. Either way, the cycle of "no" is broken, and you're entrenched.

Like I said, it's an investment, but it's one that totally pays off. Trust me.

Why can't the low sodium trend apply to sidewalks?

If you're reading this, and you're one of those people who drown their sidewalks in salt to melt the snow, please stop. It's like walking on broken glass for us. It's gotten so bad that we've had to abandon our city walks: no more strolls along College Street. No more treks to Bickford. No more visits to Aunty Becky's offi...wait a minute, that means no more stops at Heel Boy for cookies...

Speaking of salt, in agility class today, the instructor said Dan and Tiia would have to give me extra special treats when I complete certain tasks, and they both instantly agreed that it would be cheese. Dance, puppets. Dance!

Tiia says stockings are the best part of Christmas...

...and I have to agree with her. I got my first one this year. It was hung on the new cabinet between Dan and Tiia's, kinda like a gold medal podium. I wonder if that was subconscious on their part? Had I known the middle one was mine before Christmas Eve, I could have spent the two 2-hour car rides in less than 24 hours pondering it. Not saying I don't appreciate it, but taking me to cottage paradise and leaving before I even get a chance to get comfy is a bit cruel, don't you think? Ahem...?

So, in my very first stocking, I got a cute green furry guy to chase up and down the hall, a rooster that "cockadoodledoos" three times every time I bite it (great fun to break out when Tiia and Dan sit down to watch TV), and a really yummy cookie that totally makes up for getting shafted by Heel Boy on the Queen Street Walk. If you're reading this, and you shop at Heel Boy, can you please ask them to put the cookies back out front?