The keys to being an off leash dog

I don't mean to brag but, as of this month, I've spent more than half my life as an O.L.D. Actually, I kinda do mean to brag. Know why? 'Cause it wasn't easy to learn how to do it and it's even more difficult keeping the dream alive:

Road vs sidewalk: 95% of this is a no-brainer, but those alleyways can be tricky because they come out of nowhere and the sidewalk doesn't dip. There are other visual cues, though – look for little piles of trash and women with lots of makeup who walk a bit funny.

Mmmm...: There's a lot of great food around, but getting a taste without getting in trouble is key. I developed a variation on the bait and switch, whereby I'll poo about 20 feet from something yummy, and then while Dan's picking it up, go grab a bite. The best time to pull this one out is around dusk.

Doddlers: Once you become a bit more savvy, you'll start walking free on main streets – and that's generally where you'll run into doddlers: these are people who walk super slow for no reason. Even though they deserve to be bitten in the ass, you MUST resist the urge.

Squirrels: They know you're not going to run into the street. That's their trump card and they'll always play it. Bastards. Save yourself the frustration and leave them alone.

I know there are more, but I can't think of them right now. I'll be sure to think about more on tomorrow's walk.

On an unrelated note, I know I've been rather absent lately. It was a crazy busy October. I'll tell y'all about it later in the week.