The perfect belly rub....

The perfect belly rub is comprised of three very important elements, two of which have nothing to do with the belly:

Part 1: The Belly

Obviously, any good belly rub requires attention paid to the belly – but it's the kind of attention that dictates its quality. There should be a mixture of rubbing and scratching, and it should be evenly spread out across my stomach. Also, it should not veer too much to either side, and instead take north/south paths.

Part 2: The Armpits

During any belly scratch, you'll notice my arms and legs stretch out as far as they possibly can. That's the unspoken sign to pay a visit to my underarms. I'll yelp if you scratch too hard, so please be gentle.

Part 3: The Armpull

I'm never more relaxed that I am after a belly rub, which is why it's the perfect time to stretch my muscles.

The keys to being an off leash dog

I don't mean to brag but, as of this month, I've spent more than half my life as an O.L.D. Actually, I kinda do mean to brag. Know why? 'Cause it wasn't easy to learn how to do it and it's even more difficult keeping the dream alive:

Road vs sidewalk: 95% of this is a no-brainer, but those alleyways can be tricky because they come out of nowhere and the sidewalk doesn't dip. There are other visual cues, though – look for little piles of trash and women with lots of makeup who walk a bit funny.

Mmmm...: There's a lot of great food around, but getting a taste without getting in trouble is key. I developed a variation on the bait and switch, whereby I'll poo about 20 feet from something yummy, and then while Dan's picking it up, go grab a bite. The best time to pull this one out is around dusk.

Doddlers: Once you become a bit more savvy, you'll start walking free on main streets – and that's generally where you'll run into doddlers: these are people who walk super slow for no reason. Even though they deserve to be bitten in the ass, you MUST resist the urge.

Squirrels: They know you're not going to run into the street. That's their trump card and they'll always play it. Bastards. Save yourself the frustration and leave them alone.

I know there are more, but I can't think of them right now. I'll be sure to think about more on tomorrow's walk.

On an unrelated note, I know I've been rather absent lately. It was a crazy busy October. I'll tell y'all about it later in the week.

I think I met my twin the other day...

Ask The Maui Monster

Dear Maui Monster:

My people left me home alone for almost nine hours. I find this unacceptable and would like to express my displeasure. Any suggestions?

Lonely Lhasa

Dear Lonely,

Like me, you have the benefit of long hair – which you can use to bring almost anything you want back in to the house with you. Remember, though; it's not so much what you bring in, but where you leave it. For example, I'm a big fan of dropping a pile of sand and woodchips on the bed when I get annoyed. I also find that letting snow melt off me on the bathroom floor really ticks Dan and Tiia off, especially if the newspaper's still in there.

Feel free to send your questions to maui.yurkenbaum@gmail.com. All questions will be posted and answered within 24 hours.

Tryptophan + lethargy = writer's block

I spent seven of the last 36 hours in the back seat of the car, five sitting under the Thanksgiving dinner table catching scraps from delightfully messy eaters, and the rest sleeping or sitting. No wonder I have nothing to say.

Until the 'morrow.

The difference between a French Water Dog and a Portuguese Water Dog.

We're ruder and less useful in battle.

Mmmm...eye gunk.

I have inverted eyelashes. Now, I know what you're thinking – how would you bat inverted eyelashes to get what they want? The answer is, you don't; which is why I whine instead. It may be half as cute, but it's twice as effective.

Having inverted eyelashes does come with its benefits, though. Actually, it only comes with one benefit, but it's a good one: I wake up every morning with the yummiest goo in the side of my eye.

I came to know of its yumminess a few years ago when I licked some off of Tiia's finger a few years ago, and now it's kind of become a tradition with us. That, and cheese.