Monday, April 18, 2016

Preemptive Protesting

There are rumours of a back deck coming. This displeases me for a few reasons. Firstly, I like to be consulted on all home improvements, since I spend more time here than anybody. It was bad enough when the peeps decided to get the white couch they subsequently forbade me from sitting on — although I managed to wear them down on that one.

Secondly, a deck would rob me of my favourite backyard spot: the mud pit under the table.

At first, I thought about voicing my displeasure, but this new bark collar I now wear (story for another post) put the kaibash on that.

So, in protest, I'll be moving from the pit directly to the white couch as often as I can until this deck comes in. 


Thursday, April 14, 2016

A public service announcement

If you meet me on the street, I suggest that you scratch my chin in addition to petting my head. You'll get a much bigger smile from me, which'll make your day that much brighter.


Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Dog log

I found this bad boy in the park the other day and carried it all the way home. I'm thinking if I bring enough of them back, Dan'll build me a doghouse. Then I watched him build an IKEA stool. I really should be bringing these to Uncle Peter's place.

Monday, April 11, 2016

Sad = Happy

I realized very early on in my life that I could use my sunny disposition to get whatever I want. More bum-rubs? Flash a smile. Longer walk? Flash a smile. Cheese? You got it...flash a smile. It never fails.

Lately, though, I've been watching how Milo and Noah (my baby bros) get what they want — and they take a different approach: they cry.

At first, I thought there was no way it was going to work on my peeps, given how prone they've been to rewarding happiness. Boy was I wrong. Crying gets them everything.

Now, I'm not one to mess with a good thing, but given my experimental nature (yeah, I drank a White Russian at a party one time just to see what it would do*), I thought I'd give it a try.

So for the last few weeks, I've been working on my sad face. It was tough to pull off given how unnatural it is for me, but I worked hard to perfect it.

I started by trying to fill my head with sad thoughts. Of course, my life's pretty charmed, so I had to strain to come up with a few.  I thought of friends no longer with us, like Wicket and Jackson and Ishii. That worked for a bit, until I thought of the big dog park in the sky and how they were all horsing around together, which made me smile. Dammit.

Next, I thought about how I was turning 10 this year. Surely, that would make me sad. But then that got me thinking about all the great times I've had over the past decade. Smiling again. Crap.

Ok, new plan. I had to think about something that had no upside whatsoever — something that could only bring me down:  never being allowed to see Bubbika and Zeddy's place because of their building's stupid no-dog rules. I thought about every time Dan and Tiia and Milo and Noah came home from there happy, and how I'd never be able to partake in the fun. Downside? Plenty. Upside? None. There. Sad.

I kept that thought in my head for two weeks. Every time something happy crossed my mind, I thought of missing out on the grandparent fun. It took dedication, but it worked. I had made myself sad.

I wasn't sure it was working, but then Lianne came by and noticed that I looked sad. Success! Now I had to test it. I thought I'd start with something small like a treat. It'd been a while since I had one, and even longer since I "convinced" the peeps to get me one.

Last Friday, my chance came when we walked by Bam! Dogwash and Pet Boutique. I knew this was my chance because we never go in there (even though I stop in front of the door every time). But this time would be different. I stopped at the door, looked back at the peeps and thought really hard about not being able to go to Passover this year.

And sure enough....

Bam! indeed.

* I ran around in circles for about five minutes, then passed out in the park. Good times.

Monday, April 4, 2016

Heart to Heart

Baby Noah: Why is Dad taking our picture?
Me: It's for the dogblog?
Baby Noah: The what?
Me: The dogblog. It's the story of our life together.
Baby Noah: Can you tell him to put the camera down and change my diaper? It's a bit ripe.
Me: I'll see what I can do.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016


I'm walking through a forest. There's a slight drizzle. I come across a little hut. The doormat has "Welcome Maui" written on it. Hey...that's my name! I think I'll open the door.

Wait. No thumbs. Hmmm...

Ok, I can figure this out. I have a diploma in something similar to problem-solving. Think.


Think! Head! I'll knock on the door with my head. And I'll use my dorsal fin. I knew it'd come in handy eventually.

Knock Knock.



Knock knock.


Come on...I don't want to have to do this a th...footsteps!

Someone's coming! I wonder who it is? Maybe it's someone from my past? Is it a dog from my past? Dhaja? Kenzo? Winston? YoYo? I wish it could have been Jackson or Wicket or Ishii Or Woofie. Sad.

Maybe its not about the past at all? The future? A fresh face? What if it was someone famous like Obama? I love him. I'm sad to see him go. His waterdog's about the same age as me. I think Bo and I would get along well. But he'd have to change his name because we already have a Bo in our life. Of course, I'd offer to workshop a new name with him.

Footsteps. My lord this is taking a long time. It's not that big of a hut.


The door opens. It's a chipmunk. Didn't see that coming.

"Hi Maui. We've been expecting you."

Hmmm...didn't expect that either.

"You're a talking chipmunk!"

"You're a talking dog."

Fair point.

"Maui, we prepared you a snack: chevre-stuffed mozzarella balls drizzled, wrapped in brie and drizzled with melted gouda.

Yup, that just about covers all the cheese groups. Except stinky cheese. But that's okay — my regular food stinks enough as it is. And then, of course, there's the effect.

"Great. Is it snack time?"

"What you think we'd make it that easy?"

"No, but I thought I might do. It's my daydream."

"Clearly you have some unresolved achievement issues you have to work through. Succeeding here may help you address some of them."

"Or it'd get me a bite of chevre-stuffed mozzarella balls drizzled, wrapped in brie and drizzled with melted gouda."


"OK then, so how do I make it snack time?"

"You have to say the magic word."


"Come on."

"'s a chipmunk. He's brown with a white stripe. Um...he has big eyes and a bushy tail. Wait! He has buckteeth. No, that's nothing.

Think. This is your daydream. If you were going to give a Chipmunk a magic word, what would it be.

I've got it. I pull the chipmunk closer — close enough to read his name tag. Chip. CHIP?  No way my daydream is that first level. Wait, that's just his animal name code. His name's Horatio. I can dig that. Way better than Chip.

"Ho...can I call you Ho?" I said.


"Ho, I know the magic word."

"No you don't."

"Yes I do. I know it because I created it. This is my daydream, so the magic word's in my head. Just gotta find it.  Gimme a minute.




I've got it!

"The magic word is "Orange."

"Amazing! How'd you know?"

"The same reason you're now a Chipmunk wearing a pair of khakis, a fedora and a mezuzah around your neck."

"And what reason is that?"

"Because I make the rules here. It's my daydream. And I say it's snack time."

"Well, then it's snack time. Jaques!"

Jaques? There's a Jaques?

Hey! It's the mouse from the cheese tree. Awesome! I was hoping to see him again.

"Maui, let me show you to your table."'s about time. I can't wait to take a bite out of Téo Leoni.


Téo Leoni?

Crap. I'm awake. At least Madam Secretary is on.

Come on...get it back.

Chipmunk. Mouse. chevre-stuffed mozzarella balls drizzled, wrapped in brie and drizzled with melted gouda. Nope. Too hungry to sleep. Maybe

I'll angle for a cheese string. It's not the same. But neither is the real world.

Monday, March 21, 2016

Toys of the trade

Dan got me an orange frisbee. I think he chose it match Milo's orange basketball. I'm thinking it's going to become our family colour, which I'm more than happy with because, well, because every family needs a colour. I think I'm going to start angling for an orange leash to keep the theme going. I just have to wait for the peeps to lose the leashes I have now, which shouldn't take too long. They've already lost one this year and it's only March.

That's it for now.