Ask The Maui Monster

Dear Maui Monster...

The nighttime routine is getting stale. Same walk route. Same walk time. Same 30 minutes watching Jeopardy! How can I get my people to mix it up?

Love the blog...

Bored Beagle

Dear BB...

Can I call you BB? Guess it doesn't matter much now. I'm sorry if you didn't like it. Gramma Christine used to call me MauMau. It wasn't my favourite, but I let her get away with it because she was a trooper when it came to walking me in the rain. And I liked pretending I was a Chinese dictator with a stutter.

But on to you, BB...there are a few things you can do to influence a change in behaviour:

1. The Dead Stop

This is where you get to a cross street and just (you guessed it) stop walking. If your people keep walking, let them. They're never going leave without you, even though they pretend they might. When they come back, stay like stone until they move in the direction you want to go. Be sure to be sitting, though. I find that if I'm standing, my peeps are more likely to throw the leash back on.

2. The Covert Click.

When the TV goes on, grab a seat on the couch and, more importantly, on the remote. Wiggle your body so you change the channel, but don't make it look like you're doing it. Also, don't make it obvious by switching to a show you clearly like. Instead, use the CC Moment to introduce your peeps to something new — although, I'm not sure why you wouldn't want to watch Jeopardy! 

3. The Droplets

If you want to go out earlier, all you have to do is let a few pee drops slip. The key here is placement. It has to be visible, but you don't want it to close to your stuff either because...well, because pee. I'd recommend the front hall, by the back door or next to your people's bed. That last one's a dangerous spot as your peeps may fly off the handle a bit. But if they keep it together, you'll be on your way.

I'm sure there are more, but I'm going to go to to sleep now.

Auntie Becky always gets my good side.

Seriously...she should be my personal photographer. I haven't been feeling too well lately, and even so, she nailed this shot. Look how well she captured my poof. 

And...poof.

Click Clack Mau...A Dog That Types

This is one of Milo's favourite books. I think it'd be much better if it was about me. My problem is that I have no leverage. I need to figure out what I could hold back to get what I wanted. Actually, first, I'd need to figure out what I wanted because, let's face it, I get pretty much whatever I want from Dan. Treats? No problem. Cheese? Sure. 80% of the bed? Check.

I would also need an impartial somebody to deliver my demands. Like the ducks in the story. Maybe Milo will do it for me? We have a rapport now. It was touch and go and first, but we're homies. The other day, we took him to foot bridge and I showed him the exact place Tiia fell in love with him. One day, we'll mark it with something special, because I haven't marked it with anything yet. Honest.

I'm done being subtle

Walks have been hard to come by since Noah showed up. I mean, it's not like we never go out, but what used to be three hours a day has been...shall we say...drastically reduced. And I've been accommodating — I force myself to sleep more during the day, I ration my food and water to keep the bio break requirements to a minimum, and I've even learned to convert my poo into farts (mind over fecal matter). The downside of course, is that the house stinks for the peeps, but let's face it, with eight diaper changes a day, it was gonna stink anyway.

But sometimes I have to take a stand by taking a seat at the door. And what does Dan do? Takes a picture. It's the curse of being cute.

Maui In The Middle

I'm best suited for the meat position of a park sandwich. My fur is soft and pleasant rub up against, and my grip is gentle yet firm.

I think Dan thinks this is some sort of sex thing, as if he forgot about the 'procedure'. It's okay...he forgets a lot. This summer he forgot my cool walking bag somewhere, and now I have a lame bag. But it's better than no bag. And we're right back to the 'procedure'.

Thankfulness

It's not so bad being third banana when this is the tree I get to live in. Is that cheesy? Yup. But it's 2:40 in the morning and the tryptophan has sapped me of my cleverness so I'm happy with sappy. G'nite.

Mmm...cheesy.

Dinner Party Season

Normally, I park myself beside the table, look cute and wait for someone to give me a piece of salmon (it's Dan's go-to). But tonight was pasta and salad, so not really worth the effort.

Turns out the couch was the perfect spot to take in what turned out to be quite a lively debate. Not sure who won, but I learned that in Kashrut law, 'food' is defined by whether or not a dog would eat it.

By that definition, Tiia's red heels are food. Just saying. G'nite.