Monday, October 19, 2009

Ask The Maui Monster

Dear Maui Monster:
My people left me home alone for almost nine hours. I find this unacceptable and would like to express my displeasure. Any suggestions?
Lonely Lhasa


Dear Lonely,
Like me, you have the benefit of long hair – which you can use to bring almost anything you want back in to the house with you. Remember, though; it's not so much what you bring in, but where you leave it. For example, I'm a big fan of dropping a pile of sand and woodchips on the bed when I get annoyed. I also find that letting snow melt off me on the bathroom floor really ticks Dan and Tiia off, especially if the newspaper's still in there.


Feel free to send your questions to maui.yurkenbaum@gmail.com. All questions will be posted and answered within 24 hours.







Sunday, October 11, 2009

Tryptophan + lethargy = writer's block

I spent seven of the last 36 hours in the back seat of the car, five sitting under the Thanksgiving dinner table catching scraps from delightfully messy eaters, and the rest sleeping or sitting. No wonder I have nothing to say.

Until the 'morrow.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The difference between a French Water Dog and a Portuguese Water Dog.









We're ruder and less useful in battle.

Mmmm...eye gunk.

I have inverted eyelashes. Now, I know what you're thinking – how would you bat inverted eyelashes to get what they want? The answer is, you don't; which is why I whine instead. It may be half as cute, but it's twice as effective.

Having inverted eyelashes does come with its benefits, though. Actually, it only comes with one benefit, but it's a good one: I wake up every morning with the yummiest goo in the side of my eye.
I came to know of its yumminess a few years ago when I licked some off of Tiia's finger a few years ago, and now it's kind of become a tradition with us. That, and cheese.



Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Who's got an in at the Children's Television Workshop?

Dan's always thought he'd be the perfect replacement for Jim Henson as the voice of Kermit – my dog, he practices it enough in the shower. But I think I've got a leg up on him. I defy anyone to figure out which one of these is not like the other!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Just Cuz

When Dan and Tiia go away, I stay with my cousin Jackson. That's us coming back from the beach last winter –> Jackson picks on me for not lifting my leg when I go. As far as I know, there's no rule that says you have to – it's not machismo, and it doesn't make the territory any less marked.

The great thing about staying at Jackson's is that he's got this HUGE people bed he gets to sleep in! I'd love to know how he convinced Auntie Julie and Uncle Josh to move to the spare room. I've been trying for almost three years and have gotten nowhere. I've covered the bed with sand. I've puked on the sheets. I've even woken Tiia up by sitting on her head. Nothing. Argh.




Saturday, October 3, 2009

Wagon's East

Dan and I have a few different morning routes, but my favourite one takes us east along Queen Street because of the bowl of cookies that Heel Boy keeps out for me. And you should see Dan try to resist grabbing a few for me – you can actually watch the conflict play out in his face.

Friday, October 2, 2009

There she is...

Every day you walk on by,
you sexy little bitch.
You wink your eye and wag your tail
and scratch my primal itch.

Your owner's always walking fast,
you're never far behind.
You act all prim and proper but
I know what's on your mind.

You'd love to meet me in the park
to run and jump and play.
You'd love to hang off each and every
bark and woof I say.

You'd love to take a swim with me
and roll around in sand.
Just like that river twisting
through a dusty land.

That 80's pop song reference
was the best that I could do.
Which means, elusive stranger,
that this ode to you is through.










Thursday, October 1, 2009

I hate....

...when Dan gives me the "thumbs up". It's like he's mocking me. I wonder if wagging my tail at him has the same effect? Back to sleep.