Mornings

Every day begins with a big stretch. What happens after that is always different. Today, it was walking to a BBQ joint without my people.

St. Maui

Dear Heavenly Father,

If you ever create a "patron saint of smiles" position, I'd very much like to be considered for the role. I bring a proven track record of putting smiles on the grouchiest people you've put in front of me.*

I also bring an interdisciplinary approach to smile-promotion, having elicited them in a number of environments; including a junior public school, an advertising agency, a four-star hotel and an accountant's office during tax time.

I think I would a be positive addition to the team, and if given the job, the first thing I'd do is turn St. George's frown upside down – I know he's had a rough couple of years.

I thank you for your time and hope that, when my time comes and I go to the better place, I'll have a job waiting for me. We'll discuss salary when I arrive.

Sincerely,

Maui Yurkenbaum

*that woman on the Ossington bus the other day was completely unfair – a multiple orgasm wouldn't have cheered her up.

Why the "Y"?

Aunty Julie: Maui, how come I get a "Y" and Auntie Robyn doesn't?

Me: Because she already has one. And I already have one. And now you have one.

Aunty Julie: Fair enough.

Dear Misters Ford, Smitherman and Rossi...

If elected, would you consider bending the "No Dogs Allowed" policy in public buildings? What about an "indoor license" exam we could take? I think I'd do quite well on that...certainly better than I'd do on the guard-dog exam.

Ask The Maui Monster

Dear Maui Monster,

Hello???

- The Peeps

Dear Peeps,

Dan and I have to share a computer and he's been kind of a hog lately. And it's not like I didn't try, because a lot's happened:

• Uncle Peter is spending some time with us. I like how he makes Tiia laugh.
• I pooed next to one of the "No Dogs Allowed" signs on Sudbury Street.
• "G-Dub" has been dropped in favour of "Walter Wagon". It's growing on me.
• There's an Isaac, apparently?

What I really need is a computer of my own. But it'd have to be a desktop because I can't open a laptop. And I don't have a lap. Or a desk. Hmmm...

Going to Ed before dinner

Whenever I'm with Dan's folks, I always make sure to get a chin scratch from Grampa Ed. He applies just the right amount of finger pressure and he never rushes it. Also, the golf calluses give them an added sensation that really cranks my tail.

Roger and Jessica Rabbit

Jessica Rabbit has been driving Team Yurkenbaum around since the beginning – and no matter how much crap Dan and Tiia put in the back seat, she always found a way to make me comfortable. She did have this annoying habit of funneling in a deafening wind when only my window was open..but I guess she was just drawn up that way.

Jessica will be meeting her maker tomorrow, but not before she meets G-Dub, her nephew and Team Yurkenbaum's new chariot. Down there, that's me in my new spacious new travel cabin (yeah right), and that's Roger in the back seat, who was nice enough to let me come along for the test drive. The world needs more dog-friendly people. Bravo, Roger. Bravo.

Doggleganger?

About three years ago, before Page 7 got off the ground, Dan and I talked about getting me in front of the camera. We thought there was a shortage of cute black dogs out there. Looks like we missed our window.

Ask The Maui Monster

Dear Maui Monster

My people won't take me out with them everywhere they go. Today they went on a girly shopping mission and I thought for sure they'd take me because I'm one of the girls, but they left me at home. What do you suggest?

Stuck at home Sophie

Dear Sophie,

It's too bad you didn't get to go because you would've had fun – the girls are in fine form these days. Jacko and I got to hang with them at girlie brunch the other day. It was a hoot from the word "go".

What you need to do is divide and conquer; appeal to the girls individually and get them to advocate for you the next time they go out. I understand you have until Tuesday night to make it happen. Here's how I would approach each of them:

Auntie Robyn: Do something absurd and let her see you do it, but make sure the others aren't around so she can describe it to them. She'll make you look good.

Aunty Julie: With everyone else available to hold Charlie, she might need something to do with her hands. Bring her something for her to play with you. Not a diaper.

Tiia: Snuggle up to her when she's on the couch. The cuter you can make yourself look, the more likely she'll be to give you cheese. Trust me.

Charlie: I haven't spent a lot of time with Charlie yet, but from what I can remember, stay away from telling her the story of the Jewish people; Dan tried that and it didn't work out.

Good luck, and lemmie know how it goes.

MM

Road Trip 2010: Day 14 – Saving the best for last

I've had some pretty memorable mornings in my life, but nothing even comes close to today's. Tiia and Dan took me to Cour Ailée to meet my father. He's a seven year-old Barbet named Punch, but if you hung around the dog show circuit, you would have known him as "Conga".

As soon as we saw each other, we knew, too. We have the same mannerisms, the same strikingly good looks and, as it turns out, the same love for the love. We don't have the same smile, though, because Punch lost a few of his front teeth when he ran face first into a tree.

As happy as I was, Dan and Tiia were even happier, and that was the best part of the day. I was afraid that they'd think I'd pull the "you're not my real parents" routine on them after meeting my kin, but the truth is that, while I was once a Cour Ailée, I'm a Yurkenbaum now, through and through. And I'm pretty proud to say that.

I'm a bit emotional now, so I'll let the pictures tell the rest of the story.

"Been forever and a day, my boy!"

Okay, we do have the same smile! And the same eyes!

Me and Lynn...she was my first person.

Tiia and Punch having a moment.

I knew my chin-resting came from somewhere.

This is Echo, another Cour Ailée barbet (no relation to me). I sure don't miss that haircut.

My two dads.

Road Trip 2010: Day 13

Officer 1: Name?

Me: Maui

Officer 2: Like Maui Wowie?

Me: No sir. I've never even heard of that strain. Crap.

Road Trip 2010: Days 11 & 12

If you ever get the feeling that you might be taking being Canadian for granted, go check out the Cabot Trail. Then go eat some lobster. But if you're gonna eat lobster, give some to your dog because I'm sure he or she would like to try some. Hint hint.

Ask the Maui Monster: Roadtrip Edition (Days 9 & 10)

Dear Maui Monster,

My people are taking me on a roadtrip at the end of August and I'm really nervous about it because I really don't like being in the car that much. What can I do to make it easier?

Respectfully,

Help needed

Dear HN,

While I can't exactly relate because I enjoy being in the car, the eight-hour stretches did get to be a bit much – even for me. I think it all boils down to peep-management: specifically, the more uncomfortable you can appear to be, the more they'll do to make you happy. I recommend getting up and down a few times, circling a few different spots and hanging your head off the back seat from time to time. I did that and got Dan to give me his pillow.

Road Trip 2010: Day 8

Tiia and Dan spent the day in bed working. I was going to object, but given the $22 dollar treats they bought me yesterday, I thought it best to keep my muzzle shut and let them earn. When Dan did drag his ass up and take me out, it was for a two-hour, mostly uphill walk in the rain. I was going to object, but lost the will to speak about half-way through it. At least we finally saw the Halifax Citadel.

Speaking of walking, big shout out to Aunty Becky who walked 38 km for Oxfam this weekend. If you happen to be near Intrepid Travel on Bloor Street in the next few days, pop in, congratulate her and offer to massage her feet.

Road Trip 2010: Day 7

We stumbled across the Halifax gay pride parade today. Tiia bought me a rainbow bandana for the occasion. It wasn't the most comfortable thing in the world to walk around in, but certainly better than leather chaps or two pairs of stilettos.

I wonder if I would have been gay had I been given the option? I do admire their sense of fun and I totally dig the house music, but I have a strange suspicion that I would have been pretty bad at it. My Uncle Woofy was a bit gay, and while I was flattered by his advances, I often just found them irritating. Guess that answers that.

I hate when Dan ruins perfectly good photo-ops.

Road Trip 2010: Day 6

There's a well-established social contract between me and the peeps. One of the finer points clearly requires a heads-up before sending me into salt water for the first time. I learned today that Dan and Tiia either missed that clause of the agreement or thought it'd be a hoot to watch my face contort at my first taste of the Atlantic. Either way, this non-compliance will not go unnoticed. However, given that today's dip in the ocean was pretty awesome, I'm thinking that I only have to break a small rule to even the playing field. Maybe I'll hide the TV converter at our next hotel? That always makes me giggle back home.

Peggy's Cove really is everything it's cracked up to be.

First they lead me unwittingly into the salty sea, then they tempt me with its fruits. Savages.

Road Trip 2010: Day 5

Back in Quebec City, Tiia and Dan bought me an edible bone to keep me busy in the hotel room when they left for dinner. Apparently, they didn't think I could hang out by myself (or they thought I'd figure out how to order room service). What they didn't bank on was the bone giving me serious runs at 4:45 in the morning two days later in Wolfville, NS. That'll teach them not to trust me.

After the tummy boo boo and a tour of Acadia University, we pushed on to Halifax and the best hotel yet. The room is huge, we're right on the water and the concierge gave me treats. When the peeps went out for dinner tonight, I was gonna call down for a few more, but the king size bed and 1000 thread-count sheets were treat enough. Besides, I'm sure Dan'll get me more tomorrow. He's good like that.

Breakfast in the rain in the Acadia parking lot. No time for ambience when you're on the road.

Snacks outside Pier 21 in Halifax. This is where Gramma Helen landed when she came to Canada. You can tell, too – it's very clean.

Road Trip 2010: Day 4

Dear Captain of the Princess of Acadia,

This afternoon, my peeps and I rode your lovely boat from Saint John to Digby and your "no dogs on deck" rule forced me to stay in the car, alone for three hours in the bowels of your vessel, while Dan and Tiia got to enjoy the fresh maritime air, the beautiful vistas and the surprisingly warm breeze. I just want to let you know that, had you let me come up, I would have been way better behaved than the obnoxiously loud group of pre-teen singing girls who ruined Dan's nap (or so I heard).

I had to eat in the basement like an animal. Wait a minute...

Road Trip 2010: Day 3

My friends in the dog park said that crossing over into a new time zone made them feel all groggy and ruined their sleeping patterns. I did it for the first time today and I feel exactly the same. Sure, it was only an hour, but it's still an hour of my life I'll never get back. Well, I guess I'll get it back on our way home, but it doesn't change the fact that today was a 23-hour day. Maybe senseless babbling is a side effect of time change? Hmmm....?

Also, on Grampa Tony's recommendation, we went to check out the Reversing Falls in Saint John this evening. Gotta say, not all that exciting – which is interesting because I've been pretty excited by his recos in the past (gravlox, BBQ sausage, making Uncle Peter do stuff). What was tremendously exciting, however, was running across a major highway to get back.

Looking for a good time? Try Eastern Quebec

Tiia and I on the steps of Fredricton's City Hall.

Road Trip 2010: Day 2

I'm a canine. But I'm a French canine. Why does this matter? Because Tiia, Dan and I went for a hike on the Plains of Abraham this morning, and as I ran along the rolling hills, I had to decide whether to pretend to be Wolfe or Montcalm. I chose the latter which, given the results of the Seven Year War, probably wasn't the best way to go; but as the Marquis surely said at one point or another, c'est la vie.

Dan thought it'd be fun to make me chase the frisbee down an 80˚ hill. I think it'll be fun to let a few ripe ones go in the car tomorrow.

I met my great grandfather today for the first time. I think he thought that me being a French Water Dog meant that I spoke French. I smiled and nodded a lot.

Road Trip 2010: Day 1

"Maui, we're gonna hit the road at 8 am sharp; so make sure you go to sleep early." That was the last thing Tiia said to me last night. I figured that meant we'd be on the road by 9. Wound up being 10:47. Gotta love Yurkenbaum Standard Time.

Our first stop was Cornwall where I got a chance to stretch my legs, play a bit of frisbee and get Dan all flustered again by not eating my lunch (a fun game no matter what area code you're in). After that we continued on to our first stop on the tour – the jewel of la belle provence and my home town – Quebec City.

After checking in and finally eating, we went out for a walk around and it was just like I remembered; except for the Rammstein concert going on in the park across the road from the hotel. Seriously.

The air in Quebec is basically the same at 100 km/h

The perfect end to a long day in the car.

It was only a matter of time...

This is Maui. We met in Bickford the other day. I was a bit confused as to why his people would name an Alaskan Husky after a Hawaiian Island, but then I realized that naming a French Water Dog Maui is just as random.

Actually, it's more random because at least Alaska and Hawaii are two US states; the two non-continental US states; the two final states. Damn...his name works on so many levels. Gotta say, I'm a bit jealous.

True story...

I was in a meadow. There was a little tree in the middle. I walked up to it and noticed that on the little branches of the little tree were 87 little cheese shops; each offering a different kind.

I slowly scanned through my options. The smelly cheeses tended to be towards the ends of the branches (I assume for ventilation's sake), while the soft cheeses were almost all next to the trunk, which worked out well for bark dipping. It was too much choice, too much pressure! Where to begin?

Found My Marbles was snugly situated on the tree's west side, about three quarters up, and next door to The Jolly Jarlsberg and Gouda, Wouda, Shouda; and it felt right. I knocked on the door and a little mouse in an orange and yellow chef's hat promptly answered. "We've been expecting you, Maui Monster" he said as the wonderful smell of his creations tickled my nose. "I knew you'd come here first so I had Jacques prepare you an amuse-bouche". He went behind the door and returned with a perfectly shaped sliver. He brought it towards my salivating mouth, and just as I opened wide to receive it, a parade of soccer fans went past my window and woke me up with their car horns, vuvuzelas and drunken cheering after a 0-0 result.

How do you say "I want my Cheese Tree back" in Portuguese?

That all natural copper look

I used to be all about showing off my beard, but now I think the 'stache is my facial piece de resistance. How great is the colour? I was a bit concerned a while ago when I started going grey on my back, but this has totally reaffirmed my follicular faith. I wonder if this is a Barbet thing or a me thing? I'm going with the latter because I like feeling special. Speaking of special, Dan gave me some of the good cheese today. Not sure what I did to deserve it but it probably wasn't rolling around in the smelly pile at Trinity – although it'd be really great if it was. Only one way to find out...

H2O my god that's cold!

"Look, I could tell you that it's just as awesome to be a herder or a digger or a climber or even a retriever. But then you'd notice my webbed feet, my non-shedding coat, my dorsal fin and how much faster than you I can swim – and you'd know that I was lying to your face, which would damage our relationship, which would be the worst. So instead, I'll just tell you the truth: one day, you'll wish you were a water dog. And no one will judge you because you'd be right to feel the way you do. Trust me."

That's what I think every year after my first swim of the summer.

Life can be fun when you've got nowhere to be.

Every once in a while, I get the insatiable need to annoy Dan. My method of late is to get really excited about playing frisbee, make one catch, then cop a squat and make him come to me.

The best part is when he attempts to stand his ground, as if he thinks I don't have the time to wait him out. Actually, that's the second best part. The best part is when he says something like "well, it's your loss", because it's so not.

Country livin'

Dan, Tiia and I went up to Cairo's place in Stoufville the other week for a day in the sun. I gotta tell ya, I could get used to life out of the city. It's not that I don't like being a WQW dog – the neighbourhood is great, I've got a lot of good friends here and the food I find on the street is lovely – but the thought of hanging out in a back yard is dreamy.

I overheard Tiia saying that she was gonna spend most of the summer in the Malbonoff's back yard. It's a good first step.

The new man of the house

This is the Burning Man. He was a birthday gift to Tiia from La Groupe. I've tried getting to know him but he's been remarkably unresponsive.

Hotdog

The Wilson Heights Warhawks are Dan's softball team. They had a horrible year last year and vowed to be better in 2010. I got a chance to watch their first game of the season with Tiia and Aunty Melly, and the early returns look good. They seem to have changed their offensive game plan from a top-heavy to a more balanced lineup, and they've gotten way better defensively. Of course, it was about 100 degrees out there so it's possible that everything I saw was a heat-induced hallucination. It wouldn't be the first time.

Improved hearing?

I had to wear a cone this week. First time doing that. I've seen other dogs in the neighbourhood wearing them from time to time, and I never made fun of them because I thought that if I showed a little compassion, karma would be good to me. Harumph.

Dan said I had to try to find the positives of wearing it to make it easier. My only thought was that it would amplify my hearing, and it totally did...just in time for the day Dan decided to play Jolene on repeat. Sometimes I hate my life.

Bad day

My hair got cut way shorter than Dan and Tiia said it would, I've got some pretty serious runs, and all I want is a piece of cheese. Looking forward to tomorrow....

Ask The Maui Monster

Dear Maui Monster...

I get insanely jealous when I see other dogs hanging their heads out car windows because my people won't let me do it. They probably think I'll jump out or something – which I'd obviously never do unless I saw a really fresh french stick. Any thoughts on how to get a whiff of whipping fresh air?

Cooped in the car

Dear Cooped...

So you're a bread man, huh? I'm more of a cheese man, but I've got respect for the breadsies. The Portuguese folks in my 'hood leave a lot of bread out for the birds. It's mostly crap, but once in a while I come across a really nice loaf. That makes my day.

As for cracking your window dilemma, you'll first have to get them to experience the rush of hanging their head out the window themselves. If your peeps are as tight-assed as you say they are, you'll have to drive their heads out with a foul smell. Farting is your best option (pooing will get you into serious trouble and puking is just uncomfortable). Once they've felt the wind in their faces, they'll be far more likely to let you try it. Voila, the groundwork's been laid.

The first time they let you do it, they're going to be watching you the whole time, so it's important that you look as cute as possible. Make sure you're lined up perfectly with the side mirror to give your peeps the best view of your cuteness. Given their paranoia level, it's really important that you hang out the passenger side window for the first little while – if you try the driver's side too quickly and a truck comes whipping by even remotely close, you'll be shut down.

When you eventually do get to the driver's side, what you want is for the driver to get so enamoured by your cuteness that they lose control of the car for a second, because then it becomes a story they'll tell – and once they have an entrenched tale that starts with "One time, my dog was hanging his head out the window", you're home free for life.

New to the napping nook...

Dan came home with a Marshmallow fold-out sofa for me the other day. Well, maybe not for me, but it doesn't matter much now, does it?

I like the Toy Story covering. I wonder what I would look like as a toy? I think I'd be plush instead of plastic. And I'd come with all of my stuff: frisbee, water bottle, brick of cheese I got for my birthday – none of this "sold separately" nonsense. Actually, that's not true. Snow booties can be sold separately. Or not at all. Stupid snow booties.

Separated at Birth

Daisy's a doodle we met in Trinity this afternoon. Bear in the Big Blue House is a bear who lives in a big blue house. I know...I have trouble telling them apart, too.

This morning, someone said I looked like a boy in a dog costume. I was a bit offended at first, but then started thinking about a Maui costume, and other Maui merchandise, and how much cheese I could buy with the royalties – the good cheese, too.

I wonder if I'd have to split the profits with Dan and Tiia? I'd need a wallet for my money. Oh, but then I'd need a pocket to put it in. And pants for the pocket. Ah...black hole!!

Sticking up for my peeps

In response to the number of parking tickets Dan and Tiia have gotten over the last month, I pooed on the police station lawn this morning. I do what I can.

Back to sleep.

Happy Birthday to me...

Tomorrow is my fourth birthday but Dan and Tiia insisted on celebrating it today. They've actually done that every year. I'm not sure why.

Normally, I don't mind, but this year I got cheated out of a champagne birthday. The four Timmie cookies, deer antler and brick of cheese more than made up for it.

Tired.

I ran about 20 km this week and walked up to Bloor Street twice. Even if I had something worth saying, I don't have the strength. Good thing it's crappy out today. G'nite.