Dear Hawaiian GOPers,
I'm Maui Yurkenbaum, and I want to be your 2012 write-in candidate for President of the United States this Tuesday.
Some of you may have a problem with me not actually subscribing to many of your views. But here's why I don't think that should matter: you've got four options now and none of them has a hope of taking Obama down because they don't have the advantages I can bring.
• I can get the inside scoop on Obama 2012 from Bo. I've been holding on to a brick of Gruyere for just this kind of bribery.
• I can court the gay vote. I don't mean to brag, but I was somewhat of a star at the 2010 Halifax Pride Parade.
• I'll never be the subject of any cockamamie 'birther' scandal – the statute says that "no person not born in the United States will be eligible for the presidency". So there.
• Mauimania. It's real.